Food

I'm a little dull and uninspired today as I was up late playing with my sisters last night. I needed some time to myself - out of the house. I was getting to be too much in my head today.

Food has been going pretty well the past couple weeks. I partially attribute this to having "got a grip" (a term my dietitian didn't really like, I think it must have judgment attached to it or something.) and partially because the roommate has been around the house more.

I've discussed with both Doug and Amy that when I'm around him I don't want to feel full, in fact I'd prefer to feel empty. When I feel full/satiated I feel bigger, uglier, and undesirable. When I feel empty/hungry I feel thinner, lighter. I know logically that from one day to the next - full one day, empty the next - there is no change in the look of my body.

In conjunction with this, I notice I don't want to eat as much as I normally would when he's home, which is dinner time. Before he moved in I would eat less during the day for breakfast and lunch and then have the bulk of my exchanges for dinner, so I was sure to feel full, something I was to be working on a while ago before I started having difficulties with food this spring. I haven't really adjusted my daytime meal exchanges to even out and am eating less for dinner so I'm eating to the low end or under of my daily exchanges. Right now, I think its okay. I'm not too far under and it's also hard to tell if the heat plays a factor in my appetite. I guess we'll keep an eye on it since even though I don't have a large emphasis on restriction in my history, I do like it. It's got control attached to it.

The mind set around the meal plan exchanges - the numbers - is still judgmental. If I'm over the exchanges (even if I'm over in one category and under in the rest) I've failed. If I'm under my exchanges for the day - good job! Tying into that is that when I feel full I feel failure. When I feel empty or hungry I feel success. Lots of judgmental thoughts and of course the ever present perfectionism. Ultimately I am to get toward intuitive eating - eating without my meal plan. The thought of that causes anxiety right now, I need my meal plan. It's only been a few weeks since I've been on track and I need it to give me guidance and stability.

I kinda feel like I'm just babbling right now. It's been a warm, sleepy day (two naps!) so I'm kinda cloudy.