Finally!

I know I am beginning to sound like a broken record, but geez, time goes by so fast. It’s been over a month and my lapse is certainly not because I’ve had nothing to say! June was such a busy month, I’m looking forward to a much slower one in July. I attended five concerts last month – three of them outside on gloriously beautiful days. Ah, the summer music season!

I have started to write this entry a couple different times and each time I go back to it things have changed enough I have to scrap what I’ve written. The past month has found some major changes for me and some tough issues to deal with.

The biggest change, I think, is that I’ve taken on a roommate. It’s been over six years since I had a roommate last. This particular roommate happens to be someone I have feelings for and thankfully, he also has feelings for me. It’s totally complicated as we haven’t reached a place yet where we’d move in together as a “couple” yet here we are, living together. He was in a bind, needed a place to live and I had a spare room. He’s a great roommate. He's tidy and considerate of my space, he scrubbed the bathroom….even the tub!

So since it’s sort of an unconventional way to go about starting a relationship, we’re sorta feeling our way through it – respectfully. I think our living arrangement is going pretty well. It’s been a few weeks now and I’m very happy I made the decision to let him live here. The only one not happy about this is Ed. He’s pretty pissed off.

Ed sees this man as his replacement. The roomie disrupts my routine, or my safety net of isolation and food – wouldn’t want to display any of that behavior in front of him! So this situation, as challenging as it may be, is actually a good thing. It’s good that my maladaptive behavior be tested in this way – in a positive, growth oriented sort of way.

Doug labels Ed as an abusive lover. Ed does not like to be pushed to the side for someone real, especially someone who genuinely cares about me. Ed just acts like he cares so that I’ll trust his terrible, maladaptive advice. Food’s been really difficult lately (for a few months now) and this last round of difficulties is attributed to pissing Ed off. Doug says it’s appropriate for me to need to grieve the loss of my abusive lover Ed. I think I’m starting to do that. Food's been back on track this week...yeah!

Also with this situation what was so hard was that I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what was so upsetting that kept me from controlling my food. It’s extremely frustrating for me not to be able to figure that out. In coming to the conclusion that the roommate’s presence is shaking Ed up a bit, I could see more than ever that I need to get my perfectionism under control and at the same time really start learning to have compassion for myself. As I was explaining to Doug how frustrated I was not being able to pinpoint a reason that I deemed justifiable for the behavior I’ve exhibited with food, he pointed out that my need to be perfect tells me that the absolute worst thing should be happening in order to justify that behavior. That if my struggles are not as bad as the worst thing than I’m bad for feeling bad! As Doug has pointed out on a number of occasions, often there is no winning between me and Ms. Perfectionist.

Perfectionism keeps me down, keeps me in the frame of mind that I’m a bad person. It keeps me believing that if I don’t behave exactly right or my body does not look exactly as I think it should (thin and beautiful, of course) than I’m worthless and undeserving. Since it is not possible to behave perfectly or look perfect, I can never achieve anything but worthlessness. This is certainly a topic to be dealt with and we’re working on it. I’m beginning to see where it comes from and how it became. That’s some really painful and personal stuff.

Compassion comes in by realizing that it’s okay to not be perfect and even to make mistakes (gasp!). Also a difficult lesson since generally Ms. Perfectionist tells me I don’t deserve compassion in the first place. Isn’t she great?! Yeah, right.

Speaking of perfect bodies, my body image group has been completed. It was a ten week session, last week was the final week. The women in my group are phenomenal and I am so glad that they were able to make progress and grow through the lessons. The final week we all went around and discussed our progress. I felt awful after group. I compared myself to the other ladies, they all seemed to have made much more progress than I did. See Ms. Perfectionist again…she said I didn’t do well enough in the body image group so the work that I did do doesn’t mean anything. Ugh! I talked to Doug and we discussed that I did make progress and that just because the group is over doesn’t mean my work with body image is over, in fact it’s probably closer to just beginning.

I suppose that about catches things up. I’ve also realized how important it is that I take the time to hit the coffee shop again for my weekly online therapy (blog) session. It keeps me connected and gives me time for myself. Hopefully I can get that cookin’ again this weekend.