Ah-ha

I cannot believe how fast time goes by. Staying rooted in the present is really something I wish I could be better at. I wonder if I were better at it, would time seem to pass by as quickly?

I had sort of an "ah-ha" moment a couple weeks ago. So so much of my issues that feed my eating disorder are firmly set in perfection. In working on some body image homework, I realized that the hatred and disgust I feel toward my appearance could be looked at as a symptom of my perfectionism. I think I can see that my weight can be a symptom of my (im)perfection, not as much a cause of my pain.

I have put such great emphasis on my weight as the source of my pain when perhaps the perfectionism is closer to the source than the weight is. Right now it seems to me it might be less tender to address the perfection than for me to continue to focus on my appearance. Perhaps this new realization can allow me to forgive myself for my weight if I can truly believe it may have been the perfectionism that was a major player in the weight gain to begin with.

This realization for the moment does not immediately change how I feel about my body. I still do not like looking in the mirror - I cringe. However, it is creating some "wiggle room" for me to sneak some compassion in and maybe just a smidge of acceptance.

All this work I've been doing in therapy and a busy life outside of therapy is taking it's toll on my food (still). I kinda realized that with putting so much focus on these uncovered issues, I have not been keeping a look out for my old buddy Ed. I know I've said it before but he's a sneaky bastard. He has me convinced that it's okay to turn to him while I'm going through this harder stuff. "Don't worry Jessica, this stuff is hard right now, it's okay to turn to me. Things will get easier and you can shove me off when that happens but for now, come play with me."

I need to reread the book Life Without Ed, a refresher on keeping an eye on that clever bugger. I'm feeling really out of touch, and out of control as far as Ed is concerned. Hopefully getting back into the book will help get me back on my toes, my sense of "danger" heightened.