Hindsight

This past week was a tough one. I had urges to binge that were stronger than they have been in a long time. At the time of the urges I tried to figure out why - what could be causing them. This part I think is a good thing, that I had enough sense about me to know something was up.

I could not find one singular thing that set me off. I think it was a combination of several things. I was fighting a sinus infection so physically I was worn down. There is of course the constantly underlying theme of loneliness. I had had little social contact with my friends/sisters since the holidays, busy schedules. That combined with Valentine's Day and my birthday coming up, I think that brings the loneliness to the surface a little more.

This stuff I think I understood at the time (Wednesday-ish last week). What I realize now in hindsight is that even though I tried to figure out why I was feeling like using food, as I knew it was emotional, I didn't go the next step and try to figure out how to deal with it. I think I also dismissed those things I thought might be contributing to my mood because (judgmentally) I didn't think any one of them or together were "a big enough deal" to warrant feeling the way I did. I needed to sit with my agitation and sadness without dismissing anything and without judgment. I did exactly the opposite.

Thursday came and I lost it - emotionally. I sunk fast (I forget how that train can run me over) into depression, tons of tears and MAJOR negative self judgment. I did journal a bit but I was so low everything except the blasted thinking was a major effort. It's fascinating to me that as that train is running me over, it completely knocks out any skill use for handling such collisions. Next time I need to try to see the train coming before it hits me.

Surprisingly to me there was no binging last week but I most certainly manipulated my meal plan to serve my perceived needs better. I don't know if that's considered symptom use but I suppose since I wasn't eating entirely for hunger and was eating mainly emotionally (still within the meal plan as I'm fairly terrified of gaining any weight right now) there was probably an element of symptom use at hand.

What I find interesting is that since I've started recovery, when I'm really really sad...so sad that moving my body can be an effort, I don't even want to eat. I didn't want to eat dinner Thursday night. By all accounts I should have been starving by the time I was able to make time for dinner. It was an effort to eat. I don't recall ever feeling that in the hay day of binges - too sad to eat. I think in the past, I would have kept stuffing myself so that I wouldn't feel the sadness. I think this could be considered progress.

Friday was a tough day which it usually is after a melt down. I was irritable, exhausted and dying to eat. Thankfully once I made it through the work day I had acupuncture and then a super intense yoga class that pretty much kicked my ass and after that dinner with my sister which consisted of LOTS of laughing. That was all the best therapy I could have asked for that night. It helped me let go of the night before. The acupuncture grounded and nurtured me. The yoga class helped with the release which I'm realizing (yes, I know mark the date and time I'm going to say this) is very important to my mental health. The laughter and time with my sister - that was the icing on the cake.