Intentions

A little bit early or really late for a post. Tomorrow's going to be a busy day so I thought I'd post today instead. Now back one week from Florida, with no beach time - grrr, I've had time to digest some of the thoughts, readings and revelations that came from having time to spend with them.

I have finished reading Eating by the Light of the Moon and Eat Pray Love. Both were fantastic books and offered valuable insight in their own ways. The former book was eating disorder focused and gave me a lot of insight into the possibilities of how I came to use food to manage my emotions/life. Eat Pray Love, I think, gave me the most inspiration and provoked thoughts on where I want to take myself in terms of making my life better.

On the plane on my way back to this horrific frozen tundra I made a list of intentions for myself. Some of the intentions are a continuation of therapy: following my meal plan, getting exercise regularly, intentionally setting aside time daily for my assignments and recovery. The others are a "newer" road for me.

The first intention on the list is meditation. For years I have wanted to learn how to meditate (body image and social anxieties standing in the way). When I got back home I signed up for a Sunday evening meditation class. Last week was my first one and it was amazing! I had spent Sunday afternoon preparing a space in my home to carry on my practice throughout the week. I love it. I have meditated three times this week and each time was a different experience. I am very much looking forward to each new class.

The main reason I have renewed my desire for meditation is I believe that it will help to calm my mind, ground my soul and reconnect with myself. Duh, right? I feel very much that I need this in able to be most effective in my recovery. I feel very scattered with so much new information and learning how to deal with what I want out of my life. I truly believe meditation is imperitive.

Also, the first morning I got up to meditate I realized that meditation is an amazing lesson on self-compassion - something of which I am not skilled at in the slightest. My "monkey mind" wanders so quickly that I have to gently keep reminding myself to let the thought go and come back to the present. You need to have compassion for yourself to keep from getting angry about the mind wandering. What's the use in getting angry when you're trying to be peaceful, calm and full of love?

One of my other intentions involves my spirituality. I am a spiritual person but certainly not a religous one. I know my spiritual beliefs and am comfortable in them. What I realized while reading Eat Pray Love is that I don't often use/practice my spirituality. I am hoping to dig into it a little more. Learn more and use more, especially with my recovery. I think being able to let go/give things up to my higher power could be quite useful. Again, duh!

There's all sorts of other things going through my head and going on in therapy now too but those can be saved for another post (this one's getting lengthy!). Some good news this week, I saw my accupuncturist last night and she said that the treatments I've been receiving are healing me - my digestive system. I've done a lot of damage to it over the years from dieting and binging, etc. After next week we're going to every other week appointments instead of weekly.

Also after next week I am going to every other week with my dietitian as well. I'm doing pretty well at consistantly following my meal plan and as long as there are no major changes going on relating to that we've decided that every two weeks will be fine. This week at my appointment with her I asked if I could know my total weight loss since I started seeing her. I have lost 20lbs so far. This is a tricky road...the numbers...the weight. I'm content with the 20, it's the number I had in my head. The main reason I wanted to know was because my pants are starting to feel a little looser lately. I get afraid, panicked, thinking about gaining any of it back and that is something I know I have to deal with but for now, I'm happy my weight is going down. Logically, I know my body is healthier for it and that's the primary goal. Emotionally, I'm tied to the numbers and right now as long as they're going down I can deal.

It's been a pretty positive week. I'm feeling good about my personal intentions and looking forward to getting to know them more and more. There's some hard stuff ahead (isn't there always?) but if I can keep with my intentions, I should be able to handle that hard stuff as effectively as possible.