Grounding

I'm in Florida so this post will most likely not be too long. I've got the car and want to get back to the house in a reasonable amount of time. This trip for me - besides being a fantastic opportunity to have my parents to myself is about re-grounding myself. I haven't been as intentional with my recovery as I have been in the past. This trip is giving me the time I need to get back to my journal and reading to start learning more about who I am and what I need.

The last couple weeks with Doug has me working on trying to accept reality. I have a hard time with this because immediately I think I have to like reality and that in my head accepting and liking are the same thing. They are most certainly not. I may not like the reality of where I or my body are at in this moment but Doug says I have to accept this in order to move on and make the changes that I want for the future. I am to say "I accept the reality of what is in this moment while pursuing change for the future."

I believe my perfectionism gets in the way of this acceptance. I think I have a hard time accepting because I may not believe whatever it is I'm accepting is good enough, perfect enough, or exactly the way it should be. My brain says it will accept whatever it is when it is perfect. As far as my body goes, I tell myself (subtly, not necessarily with direct words) that I will accept who I am, what my body looks like when it is perfect...thin and beautiful. Since my idea of perfect is most likely unattainable, I have set myself up to fail...to never have to accept myself as I am or even will be.

So to work toward acceptance I am to try and get to "neutral" instead of trying to make a big leap from my negative self reference to a positive one. In my head, a positive self reference seems arrogant to me. It doesn't seem so for others to be positive about themselves but it really does for me. Just getting to neutral is going to be a major battle for me. So now, right now I accept that there is a battle to fight. It is my battle and it isn't going to be easy or any fun.