Merry Christmas

Oh the holidays! I'm back at the coffee house after not being here for almost a month! It's nice to be back in the energy and activity of caffeination!

Lots of new topics from therapy in the last couple weeks. I'm not ready to share all of them just yet. Some of what I'm learning may involve other people and I'm not sure if or how I want to address that here. I don't have anything bad, mean or angry to say about anyone but some of it is pretty fresh yet and I'm still figuring out how to deal with what I'm learning. I suppose that's sort of rude of me to bring up without going into detail but I just want to clarify as to why I may be pretty vague and generalized with my blog lately.

I'm still dealing with loneliness as the holidays are upon me. I'm happy spending time with my family. I am immensely grateful to have such an amazing and supportive family - one full of love and joy. It's the in-between times that are hardest. The times when I have alone to myself to process what's going on around me and what I'm feeling. Staying with my feelings and not "stuffing" them away is hard - it's been a reflexive reaction to stuff any emotion that comes up for most of my life. Trying to remember to let it be and stay with it until it's finished flowing through is hard in itself but then on top of it - the actually feeling of new or uncomfortable emotions can feel really unbearable and overwhelming. This is where I am.

I know this is healing and this is good. It just doesn't feel good. I know it's better not to be numb through it - I know I can learn more if I truly feel. Every tough situation has an opportunity for growth and learning. I just don't know if I'm always up for a new or repeated lesson. I'm so teary lately and when I'm teary, especially in front of others, I feel so weak. Like, couldn't I just push this feeling off until I'm alone and can sort through it? Sometimes though, the emotions are too overwhelming to keep at bay - that's when I feel weak. Like a dam that can't hold the water back anymore...faulty and inadequate.

I have been learning throughout this spell of sadness and loneliness. I'm trying right now to keep this emotional situation as a learning experience. It's is very difficult to be reasonable and sit with your emotions at the same time. To be able to do this is noble and "wise" but man, it takes effort and oodles of practice. I hope someday this will be a sort of second nature to me...right now it's just plain old hard work. I know, I know. No one said this was going to be easy, right?

I'm sure this all sounds so low but there are certainly periods of joy throughout. I'm excited for Christmas and to spend time with my family and loved ones. I spent time with my nephew last night - that is certainly some wonderful therapy in and of itself.

I wish you a holiday full of warmth and peace that will carry on throughout the year and years to follow.