Fuzzy

Strangely after a week off from writing I still feel as if I don't have much to say. No time for the coffee shop this morning, I nearly forgot about writing. Doug had to cancel my appointment this week so no new inspiration from a therapy session.

I've felt sort of disconnected..sort of dull lately. I'm doing alright as far as my meal plan goes and no symptom use lately. It's just been really hard keeping recovery at the forefront of my mind. I sorta feel like I'm coasting through right now. I think I've been really busy lately. It freaks me out that I can just forget to pay attention to my skill use and my assignments I've been given. I get them done but more or less on the fly and not as mindfully as I'd like too.

I guess I shouldn't analyze too deeply. Right now I'm doing well not using my symptoms. This weekend has been tough though, I'm menstrual. I am amazed at how insanely emotional I get and how I immediately look too food. In the past I would not necessarily have noticed that pattern. I know it now but it's still hard to get through it. I'm trying to pay attention to whether or not my stomach is telling me I need to eat rather than listening to Ed. He absolutely knows that this time of the month is especially difficult for me and is right there to remind me about all of my insecurities and self degradation.

Loneliness and sadness come flooding in when I'm more vulnerable - when my energy is low due to menstruation. I've been very weepy and feeling very alone. Doug and I had discussed (I think I mentioned in a previous post) that I should try to keep the loneliness at bay during the holidays by engaging myself more with friends and/or family. Even with spending more time with family and friends, at the end of the day, I'm on my own and alone. Night time is the hardest.

It is absolutely true that spending time with loved ones helps me feel less lonely but I am learning this weekend that there must also be a balance. I need to dedicate a certain amount of quiet, contemplative time for myself to stay grounded and that can be difficult to do when I'm keeping so busy.

Also there's a fine line between keeping busy (avoidance) and being effective in engaging with others. I think I may have been slightly on the side of avoidance this week. To me that would indicate there's a lower mood ahead, one in which I'm going to have to deal with what I've been avoiding.

That mood will come, sure enough. For now, I'm here writing this blog with my kitty snoozin' all warm and soft in my arms as I type this. I couldn't resist this sweet face: