A friend of mine is having a hard time lately - going through some tough stuff. I feel so bad and of course have this ever burning desire to "fix it". I know all I can do is listen and be there for her but it's so hard not to think since there's no action - I'm not helping. Also, I've noticed that I feel sorta guilty that I'm doing okay at the moment and she's having a hard time. Isn't that messed up? Like how could I possibly feel good when other people are so sad. I noticed a similar situation at Christmas. One of my dear family members was pretty stressed out and I could feel myself immediately taking that on. Is this Ed? Does he do this to make me feel bad so that I'll turn to him? Geez that bastard gets more sly every day. This will be something I address with Doug.
I've been reading this fantastic book called Eating in the Light of the Moon. It's written in an earthly feminist style. There are two things lately I have taken from this book and am looking forward to sharing with Doug. The first, the author, Johnston, says that most of us (women suffering from an eating disorder) at a young age have been suppressing our "gifts" - those things that make us unique for fear of being different. By suppressing these natural desires (use of intuition) we have basically ignored our true selves - who we really are and are "hungering" to find that that true self we knew when we were little. We are tyring to feed our hunger by using food. Somewhere along the way we learned that it's not okay to be different and listen to your inner voice. Somehow our thoughts and feelings that came naturally were invalidated.
This got me thinking that the me that I've felt has been non-existent most of my life is inside somewhere. I need to find her. I remember thinking at one point in my mid to late 20's that it was okay to be different. I thought that I was pursuing my uniqueness but I believe I was simultaneously trying to fit into a cookie cutter of who I thought I should be instead of just being who I am.
The second item from the book I've thinking about relates to intuition. Taken directly from the book:
In order to maintain the suppression of their intuitive faculties, they internalized the cultural judgments against this information with such statements to themselves as: "There is no reason for feeling this...I must be imagining things...I'm overreacting...I'm too sensitive...
And this became the refrain of their inner dialogue over and over again until they no longer believed they were capable of defining their reality. They lost their sense of an inner authority they could turn to for guidance.
This pretty much says it - I have done this for as long as I can remember. No wonder I've felt so lost. However sad I think this is, that for 30 odd years I've ignored this invaluable skill, I'm excited to rediscover it. I have, in the back of my mind, thought I could be more in touch with life and the earth, spiritually or as I'm realizing now, intuitively. I think this is a pretty cool skill to have. I'm looking forward to learning more about it...oh boy...I see MORE books in my future!
New Years is ahead. I've often thought making new year's resolutions was somewhat silly because these are things we should be resolving to due daily...not just once a year. But it is a time of renewal and assessment, I'm looking forward to a healthier year emotionally, spiritually, and physically. As difficult as this particular holiday can be for me, the single girl, I see hope and happiness ahead. I'm looking forward to rediscovering myself.
Happy happy happy...I got a BEAUTIFUL new camera for christmas...a tool that will also help me on my path of self discovery...a crazy photo I took - not sure how it turned out the way it did but it was sort of a happy accident:
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