Out of town

I was out of town over the weekend so I'm going to put a copy of a letter I wrote here today instead of the usual update type of post. A couple weeks ago my assignment was to write a letter to my eating disorder (ED) as if it was an abusive partner. Here's my letter:

ED:

You are a total bastard. You have held me prisoner and kept me from figuring out who I am and what I could be. This hurts so much. You have clouded my vision promising me comfort and safety but really you’ve given me nothing but fear and insecurity.

You’ve stuck me in a box leading me to believe I deserve to be there – cut off from life and truly living. You’ve taking my memories away, keeping them foggy and far away. I am so deeply angry with you for taking my life from me. You are a cruel, selfish asshole. I hate you. The realization of what I’ve lost being involved with you for so many years is so painful sometimes I’m not sure if I can take it. I would not wish this type of abuse or tolerate this sort of relationship between any of my loved ones yet I was weak and blind to your manipulations.

I’m scared you’ll lure me back with convincing promises of relief, comfort, and small moments of happiness. I know better now but I still don’t fully trust myself around you. For some awful reason I still want you. I’ve even dreamed about you.

I hate that you’ve made me disgusted with myself and my body. You’ve deprived me from so much, making me think I’m nothing, that if I didn’t exist it wouldn’t matter. Why did I believe you? What made me comfortable in the hell you created for me?

Part of me though, still wants to be with you. You’re all I can remember, all I’ve really known. Without you I feel completely alone and that scares me and makes me so desperately sad. I was alone with you too so maybe it’ll be okay to be alone without you.