Learning

I had a blast in Kansas City last weekend. It was so much fun to see my friends and see where they live. Kansas City isn't half bad. I had the best mocha latte I think I've ever had and now I am obsessed with trying to find its equal here in the cities. My boys - Wilco were amazing as usual. My friends had a great time, they enjoyed the show and they new very little of the band's music so I was so happy they had a great time.

As much fun as I had in KC, I had a tough week after that. I pretty much binged my whole way home (seven hours!) on Sunday from Kansas City and then of course finished the binging off at home that evening. As I was told this binge would be different (due to the new skills I have and the length of time since the last one). I guess the actual binge wasn't much different, it was the post binge part that was. I tried very hard not to beat myself up for it and also to look at it as "information".

I understand that I could have been more attentive to my needs over the weekend. Normally, I take time throughout the day to record what I've eaten or plan to eat on my food record which keeps me focused on what I need and not as much of what I think I want. I also spend time each evening grounding myself through assignments and journaling. I did not get to do this over the weekend. I think my friends would have respected my need to do this. I don't think I understood just how valuable to my well being checking in with myself throughout the day really is right now.

I think my lack of attention to my current routine helped contribute to my binging. there were other factors as well but I'm pretty certain that's what set me up. So now I know this and will try not to repeat the mistake in the future.

I couldn't believe how incredibly irritable I was the next day. I believe that irritability manifested itself from my anger at myself for binging - failing, "falling off the wagon". Monday and Tuesday were really difficult. I managed to get back on track but it was really hard. The whole week I felt fairly disconnected and scattered. It got better after therapy on Thursday and this weekend went pretty well. I'm pretty amazed at how long it takes for me to feel back to normal again. I guess I'm starting to realize how this behavior really messes my head up.

Thinking back on my binging behavior when I first started treatment, I've come a long way. I actually surprised myself looking back to then and comparing it to now, I feel good about my progress. It's still so damn hard and I swear some new challenge pops up like clockwork when I think I'm getting this all figured out. I guess that's life.

I start my pottery class this week. I'm excited, nervous and really looking forward too it. I know pretty much nothing about creating pottery but since I love it as an object, hopefully that will give me some insight.