I feel like I may have had a small breakthrough yesterday. I felt awake and in touch with my wise mind. I have noticed myself pausing for mindfulness...noticing moments when I'm rushing through. I pause and slow down and try to pay attention to the one thing I'm doing right then. It didn't happen all that often yesterday but just to know that I can catch myself in a non-mindful moment and refocus is a positive step for me.
Feeling this connection with my wise mind was very powerful. It's a feeling in my chest/heart that feels like my chest is being inflated with love. A description of words can not do the actually feeling justice. It is happiness. I was not able to carry that feeling with me throughout the entire day due to various distractions and activities that kept my mind from refocusing but I do not expect to be able to be mindful every moment of each day. What I am doing with this is making a point of recalling that feeling in my heart to know that I can come back to it when I need too. Additionally, I bought a simple beaded bracelet that I have made into a mindfulness cue. It's sole purpose on my wrist is to remind me to slow down and try to experience just this moment.
I have had this feeling in brief moments in the past. I haven't had it back until recently. I recall trying to get it back a few years ago sitting by the ocean in Maine but it wouldn't come to me. I think I understood then that because I couldn't feel that beautiful connection to myself that I was in rough shape. I know I was sad that I couldn't feel connected. Usually the ocean helps bring that out but that time it didn't. Sitting on the beach by the ocean (especially near sunset) is one of my very happiest places (I miss San Francisco the most for this very reason). Not to be able to truly feel happy sitting there should have been a bigger flag to me than it was at the time.
I believe the reemergence of this connection to self is paramount to my recovery. Now that I have been given skills to help call upon this connection I can use it as a gauge. If I'm having trouble connecting, the flags should go up to tell me I need to reassess my actions, more than likely I will have lost touch with mindfulness. This all seems like such a big step for me and am I so very thankful I've made it. My heart feels full right now.
My pottery class Thursday was great! There are ten of us, each at a pottery wheel. I was nervous at first when the instructor was demonstrating what we were to do. The nerves went away nearly as soon as I put the clay to the wheel. I did discover this is a perfect opportunity to practice mindfulness.
The first piece I made (bowl/cup) I just sort of did through feeling, not worrying whether I was doing the techniques correctly. That piece ultimately was scrapped because it was used for practicing a corrective technique. It ended up being the better piece of the evening. I believe that the pieces I worked on after the first one I was more concerned with doing it technically correct - losing the connection with what felt right. A successful evening learning that.
I'll end with a quote I read yesterday that feels really insightful to me:
"The only power our thoughts have is the power we give them." --Joseph Goldstein
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