So I'm going to try to write weekly. Saturdays at work seem like a good time since I have nothing else to do but sit in front of a computer. I guess we'll see how that goes. Lately I consider my weeks based from therapy appointment to therapy appointment, which right now is Thursday to Thursday. This week so far (actually beginning Wednesday afternoon) has been tough.

Wednesday was my first group therapy session. This particular group is a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group or DBT. This therapy takes more of an eastern philosophy approach to retraining coping and life skills. I have always leaned toward this type of thinking so this group seems like a good fit for me. It was pretty overwhelming at first. I was nervous being in the group as I haven't been in one before. We had to introduce ourselves and in doing so we shared our eating disorder and how long we've been in treatment. Geez, that was hard! I hadn't talked about my eating disorder out loud before except for with a couple of my sisters and close friends. It was so awkward saying it out loud. Once past that, the rest of the group went pretty well. My first impression of the group is one of kindness and of a supportive nature. I'll be there weekly for at least the next six months but most likely for a year minimum.

So anyway what makes the week difficult is that I was given so much new information Wednesday and Thursday that my mind is SPINNING (I visualize the Tasmanian Devil from Buggs Bunny - this is how my brain feels right now). I had a fantastic evening last night with one of my sisters. Toward the end of the evening we got talking about some pretty painful stuff so today I'm sorta reeling. I like to call this my emotional hangover. My brain is still spinning like crazy and now it has to deal with all of the painful emotions stirred up last night. This is how it is for now. There is so much of my own behavior that I'm supposed to be paying attention too (acknowledging, not judging, letting go) that I'm overwhelmed by how much time by brain takes up thinking about all this stuff. I know as I learn new skills this will be less intense over time. I guess it'd be somewhat like starting a new job, one you've never done before. An abundance of new information is tossed your way and within a short period of time you are thrown into the job and are required to use those skills. It can be scary. Especially for someone (uh, me!) who likes to do things correctly and gets frustrated if I don't "get it" as quickly as I normally do.

I've been trying like hell not to binge the last couple days. Holy hell it's hard. Part of me wants to say screw it - go for it, you'll feel better. The other part of me says if you binge you're going to feel like crap afterward which will start the entire cycle all over again. I am SO completely in the middle of both of those situations right now. This sends my anxiety out of control. Good thing my doctor upped my anxiety meds but I'd still love me a Valium!

Okay, I'm leaving work early today so I better get going. Hopefully the next time I write I will be in an "easier" place.

Peace.