climbing out of a valley

I'm sitting at a cafe having a latte and writing this. How fun. Seriously. In therapy I'm given assignments each week. One of my assignments this week was to find pleasure daily. This is certainly today's pleasure. There's good music piped through the coffee house and an eclectic blend of people to watch as well. I feel generally at peace at this moment. There's a wee bit of anxiety right now but that usually happens when I venture out on my own into a group of unknown people/places. I've been at this cafe before so this is not entirely unknown.

Last week when I wrote, I was having a tough time. That continued (gaining intensity) through until my appointment with Doug on Thursday. I was being so hard on myself because I was having a difficult time integrating the new skills I've been shown. I was completely overwhelmed and did end up using food to numb myself to get me through. Talking with Doug helped immensely and since then I have been in a pretty positive mood and have been using my new skills more and more.

My assignments this week are going well and my eating seems to be in check. Doug says I need to find compassion for myself. Cut myself some slack. I can do that for nearly anyone in the world but it's really difficult to do that for myself. Perfectionism and an all-or-nothing attitude are part of this disorder. I think the perfectionism plays apart in that compassion business. I expect myself to instantly comprehend and be able to apply all information/skills coming at me. That is not realistic and I would not expect that of others. I imagine this will be a lengthy struggle.

One of my other assignments this week is to eat breakfast mindfully. No TV, no Internet, no distractions (surprisingly my dog Hailey lays quietly at my feet while I'm eating). I am to just sit, observe, describe, pass no judgements on food or myself and really focus on just eating. I notice when my mind wanders, I chew faster. This morning my mind wandered and I nearly got up from the table without finishing the bite of food I had in my mouth. It's hard to be still and focus on one thing at a time. I'm a multi-tasker through and through. It's nice though. I've often wished I could be more present with my daily activities.

Right now I'm going to enjoy my good mood and try to give myself some kudos for making positive strides toward a healthier life.