Do not go after the past,
Nor lose yourself in the future.
For the past no longer exists,
And the future is not yet here.
By looking deeply at things just as they are,
In this moment, here and now,
The seeker lives calmly and freely.
You should be attentive today,
For waiting until tomorrow is too late.
Death can come and take us by surprise--
How can we gainsay it?
The one who knows
How to live attentively
Night and day
Is the one who knows
The best way to be independent.
-Bhaddekaratta Sutra
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Skewed reality
Ah, food feels back on track...finally! No binging the past two weeks. Yeah! It's still hard but at least I feel a bit more grounded in reality now and am more focused on my skill use.
I've had another group session, a session with Doug and a session with Amy since I wrote last. Group was good this week. I actually sort of found myself looking forward to it, still nervous but looking forward to learning more. What struck me this week about group had to do with this one woman who had very similar answers/comments as I did. My first impression of her was that she appears so confident, strong, intelligent and fun. I would never have guessed she could feel about her body the way I feel about mine.
I felt sad for her, that she could feel so badly about her body because she seems like such a neat person. What struck me was that while I was journaling about this, I realized that I felt bad for her but not myself. In my head, it is not okay, whatsoever, to look the way I look. In my head, being overweight means I'm worthless leading to my self worth being based almost entirely on my body image. The negative thoughts in my head about myself and my body have become my truth. I honestly and earnestly believe these things regardless of what facts Doug (or anyone else) tries to dispute them with.
Sharing this with Doug led to a pretty difficult discussion with him Thursday. Doug asks why I am holding on so tightly to my negative self-reference. I do not know. He asks what purpose holding on to this is serving me and I don't know that either. I'm sure there's a fear involved in letting go as well. If I understand this correctly, there is a term called (I think) Cognitive (dif)Fusion in which I have meshed my beliefs into facts which gives me a distorted perspective of myself.
We are going to work on "diffusing" my truths to try and get them aligned more factually. It's really frustrating to me that I cannot come up with a reason for Doug's questions. He also asks, why do I feel the need to look and be perfect? I don't have an answer for that either. I don't think to myself "what can I do to be perfect today?". It's not a conscious thought. I understand that trying to be perfect is a losing battle since I am far far from perfect. Perfectionism is a major issue in my eating disorder, I've come to realize. It rears it's ugly head over and over. Doug says we don't necessarily need to know where all this comes from but to be aware that it exists and try to dispel it.
Super tough stuff ahead. Doug says the body image group will be very helpful and that it is important to continue to dig into this stuff in individual therapy. These issues are keeping me stuck, making it more difficult to move ahead. Most of this feels pretty impossible right now but I guess baby steps will take me through it.
I've had another group session, a session with Doug and a session with Amy since I wrote last. Group was good this week. I actually sort of found myself looking forward to it, still nervous but looking forward to learning more. What struck me this week about group had to do with this one woman who had very similar answers/comments as I did. My first impression of her was that she appears so confident, strong, intelligent and fun. I would never have guessed she could feel about her body the way I feel about mine.
I felt sad for her, that she could feel so badly about her body because she seems like such a neat person. What struck me was that while I was journaling about this, I realized that I felt bad for her but not myself. In my head, it is not okay, whatsoever, to look the way I look. In my head, being overweight means I'm worthless leading to my self worth being based almost entirely on my body image. The negative thoughts in my head about myself and my body have become my truth. I honestly and earnestly believe these things regardless of what facts Doug (or anyone else) tries to dispute them with.
Sharing this with Doug led to a pretty difficult discussion with him Thursday. Doug asks why I am holding on so tightly to my negative self-reference. I do not know. He asks what purpose holding on to this is serving me and I don't know that either. I'm sure there's a fear involved in letting go as well. If I understand this correctly, there is a term called (I think) Cognitive (dif)Fusion in which I have meshed my beliefs into facts which gives me a distorted perspective of myself.
We are going to work on "diffusing" my truths to try and get them aligned more factually. It's really frustrating to me that I cannot come up with a reason for Doug's questions. He also asks, why do I feel the need to look and be perfect? I don't have an answer for that either. I don't think to myself "what can I do to be perfect today?". It's not a conscious thought. I understand that trying to be perfect is a losing battle since I am far far from perfect. Perfectionism is a major issue in my eating disorder, I've come to realize. It rears it's ugly head over and over. Doug says we don't necessarily need to know where all this comes from but to be aware that it exists and try to dispel it.
Super tough stuff ahead. Doug says the body image group will be very helpful and that it is important to continue to dig into this stuff in individual therapy. These issues are keeping me stuck, making it more difficult to move ahead. Most of this feels pretty impossible right now but I guess baby steps will take me through it.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Words of wisdom....
If you really want freedom, happiness will arise
From happiness will come rapture
When your mind is enraptured, your body is tranquil
When your body is tranquil, you will know bliss
Because you are blissful, your mind will concentrate easily
Being concentrated, you will see things as they really are
In so seeing, you will become aware that life is a miracle
Being so aware, you will lose all your attachments
As you cease grasping, so you will be freed.
-Digha Nikaya
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Happy Earth Day!
Geez, how time flies when one is busy - or it gets nice outside and I don't feel like sitting in front of my computer! Hallelujah! Sunday was the most wonderful day. I spent a good 4-5 hours outside. It was so refreshing, even if the majority of the time was spent cleaning up dog pooh in the yard!
Food has still been a challenge the past couple weeks. In speaking with Doug last week I realized that not only do I use food (the actually eating) to distract or numb me from dealing with what's at hand but the obsession about food - prior to eating, figuring out what to eat (or what I should or shouldn't eat) is a form of distraction in itself. So even if I'm not eating to distract, just the act of obsessing over food choices and following my meal plan is nearly doing the same thing. The obsessing feeds the anxiety and makes it much more difficult to stay with my meal plan.
That was in an interesting realization to me. It seems there are so many layers and just when I think I understand, there's another layer beyond that one. You'd think this wouldn't surprise me anymore.
In order to help reduce my obsessive thinking about various topics (food, body, etc) one of my assignments this week was to allow myself one hour per day for that behavior. For instance, a few days ago I allotted 4:30-5:30pm the time to obsess/worry/ruminate and then I had to plan an activity to take part in right after so that I wouldn't be able to carry on with those thoughts. So the activity was yoga.
Unfortunately I have been too busy the past few days to put this into action but I've also been too tired and busy to obsess. The couple days I did do that practice, there was a relief to it. When I noticed myself obsessing or worrying I just told myself that I can continue that thought between it's scheduled time and it just sort of floated away. By the time I got to that scheduled time, not all of what I'd been worrying about was on my mind anymore. I think this is an excellent exercise I hope to keep integrating into my life until I have less and less obsessive and worried thoughts.
Today was my first body image group session. It's a ten week group based on a book called The Body Image Workbook by Thomas Cash. I was SUPER nervous going in. As we went around the room introducing ourselves most people mentioned they were nervous too. One of the things we did today was to use five colors (Orange = Love, Yellow = Like, Green = Neutral, Blue = Dislike, and Red = Hate) to color a diagram of our bodies front and back indicating how we feel about the various parts of our bodies. Major major anxiety here for me. Upon completing our diagram we, of course, had to share with the group what our person looked like. The majority of my diagram was red and there was no orange at all. I got teary explaining this to the group. Ugh..first day and I'm already crying. I absolutely hate crying in front of people, which is sorta funny cuz I'm such a crier!
This new group is going to be difficult but the women in it seem like really intelligent, strong, supportive people so hopefully I'll be able to absorb some of their strength as I don't really feel I brought much of my own. I sorta felt like a little kid in there today, sort of weak, insignificant and not grown up enough to be able to share maturely. I'd guess that there are other factors at play today in how emotional I feel. New group, work is chaotic and super stressful this week and I am pre-menstrual. I suppose I should chuckle a little at how the timing of things work out, when you think you barely handle anymore...you usually get pushed even further.
So with that I think I may head home (I'm at my desk at work - did I mention busy at work??) and crawl up in a ball and fall asleep or have a beer and then curl up and fall asleep.
Food has still been a challenge the past couple weeks. In speaking with Doug last week I realized that not only do I use food (the actually eating) to distract or numb me from dealing with what's at hand but the obsession about food - prior to eating, figuring out what to eat (or what I should or shouldn't eat) is a form of distraction in itself. So even if I'm not eating to distract, just the act of obsessing over food choices and following my meal plan is nearly doing the same thing. The obsessing feeds the anxiety and makes it much more difficult to stay with my meal plan.
That was in an interesting realization to me. It seems there are so many layers and just when I think I understand, there's another layer beyond that one. You'd think this wouldn't surprise me anymore.
In order to help reduce my obsessive thinking about various topics (food, body, etc) one of my assignments this week was to allow myself one hour per day for that behavior. For instance, a few days ago I allotted 4:30-5:30pm the time to obsess/worry/ruminate and then I had to plan an activity to take part in right after so that I wouldn't be able to carry on with those thoughts. So the activity was yoga.
Unfortunately I have been too busy the past few days to put this into action but I've also been too tired and busy to obsess. The couple days I did do that practice, there was a relief to it. When I noticed myself obsessing or worrying I just told myself that I can continue that thought between it's scheduled time and it just sort of floated away. By the time I got to that scheduled time, not all of what I'd been worrying about was on my mind anymore. I think this is an excellent exercise I hope to keep integrating into my life until I have less and less obsessive and worried thoughts.
Today was my first body image group session. It's a ten week group based on a book called The Body Image Workbook by Thomas Cash. I was SUPER nervous going in. As we went around the room introducing ourselves most people mentioned they were nervous too. One of the things we did today was to use five colors (Orange = Love, Yellow = Like, Green = Neutral, Blue = Dislike, and Red = Hate) to color a diagram of our bodies front and back indicating how we feel about the various parts of our bodies. Major major anxiety here for me. Upon completing our diagram we, of course, had to share with the group what our person looked like. The majority of my diagram was red and there was no orange at all. I got teary explaining this to the group. Ugh..first day and I'm already crying. I absolutely hate crying in front of people, which is sorta funny cuz I'm such a crier!
This new group is going to be difficult but the women in it seem like really intelligent, strong, supportive people so hopefully I'll be able to absorb some of their strength as I don't really feel I brought much of my own. I sorta felt like a little kid in there today, sort of weak, insignificant and not grown up enough to be able to share maturely. I'd guess that there are other factors at play today in how emotional I feel. New group, work is chaotic and super stressful this week and I am pre-menstrual. I suppose I should chuckle a little at how the timing of things work out, when you think you barely handle anymore...you usually get pushed even further.
So with that I think I may head home (I'm at my desk at work - did I mention busy at work??) and crawl up in a ball and fall asleep or have a beer and then curl up and fall asleep.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Ed strikes again
Ed is still hanging around this week. He can be so annoying, he just doesn't get the hint sometimes - go away Ed! Another binge this week. This has been the roughest time I've had with symptom use in a long time. The more symptom use, the worse I feel about myself and that just feeds the monster and the cycle continues. I've been back on track for the most part but I'm still struggling.
I'm trying to pay more attention to Ed. Like I'd want to right? I've noticed that I've sort of been ignoring him and in doing so he's been doing what he wants instead of listening to me - since I haven't been telling him what to do. So I've been trying to journal daily and ask myself "Where's Ed at, what's he telling me, what does he want?". I feel like I'm playing Where's Waldo. This helps me keep an eye on him instead of allowing him to sneak up behind me or sit quietly next to me.
Doug also wants me to ask myself when I'm feeling urges to use symptoms - "How can I be more effective?". Meaning, how can I approach this situation so that it has a more effective and adaptive outcome. To be effective I am plugging in my skills such as staying in the moment, being non-judgmental and probably using whatever distress tolerence skills I need to get through the difficult moment (distraction, making a list of pros/cons of the behavior, and self soothing).
So why the bump in the road? Why has my symptom use increased? Well there is a situation - a nice situation but a stressful one in the works. It's happy but anxiety provoking at the same time and it has sort of flared up my judgmental inner dialog about myself lately. I'm kind of irritated that this particular situation is effecting my eating disorder as it is. It makes me feel weak and incompetent, like I can't handle it. Doug has rationalized with me why I would feel the way I'm feeling and has suggested for me to use radical acceptance because part of the situation is completely out of my control. I need to radically accept that fact so that I can let go of it and allow the situation to work itself out in its own time. There is a major lesson in patience here - I'd like to say I'm a patient person but in many instances, I'm not.
Sorry to be so vague about it, I'm not prepared to share all the details here. But I have to accept that this does have an effect on me (even though I'd rather not) and I need to pay better attention to that fact and do what I can to be mindful and effective.
All in all, I'm feeling pretty good - anxious but good. The nicer weather sure helps things too. I wonder if there was much coincidence to the last binge and that mind-blowing snow fall on Monday. Thank goodness spring is here!!!
I'm trying to pay more attention to Ed. Like I'd want to right? I've noticed that I've sort of been ignoring him and in doing so he's been doing what he wants instead of listening to me - since I haven't been telling him what to do. So I've been trying to journal daily and ask myself "Where's Ed at, what's he telling me, what does he want?". I feel like I'm playing Where's Waldo. This helps me keep an eye on him instead of allowing him to sneak up behind me or sit quietly next to me.
Doug also wants me to ask myself when I'm feeling urges to use symptoms - "How can I be more effective?". Meaning, how can I approach this situation so that it has a more effective and adaptive outcome. To be effective I am plugging in my skills such as staying in the moment, being non-judgmental and probably using whatever distress tolerence skills I need to get through the difficult moment (distraction, making a list of pros/cons of the behavior, and self soothing).
So why the bump in the road? Why has my symptom use increased? Well there is a situation - a nice situation but a stressful one in the works. It's happy but anxiety provoking at the same time and it has sort of flared up my judgmental inner dialog about myself lately. I'm kind of irritated that this particular situation is effecting my eating disorder as it is. It makes me feel weak and incompetent, like I can't handle it. Doug has rationalized with me why I would feel the way I'm feeling and has suggested for me to use radical acceptance because part of the situation is completely out of my control. I need to radically accept that fact so that I can let go of it and allow the situation to work itself out in its own time. There is a major lesson in patience here - I'd like to say I'm a patient person but in many instances, I'm not.
Sorry to be so vague about it, I'm not prepared to share all the details here. But I have to accept that this does have an effect on me (even though I'd rather not) and I need to pay better attention to that fact and do what I can to be mindful and effective.
All in all, I'm feeling pretty good - anxious but good. The nicer weather sure helps things too. I wonder if there was much coincidence to the last binge and that mind-blowing snow fall on Monday. Thank goodness spring is here!!!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
I missed a week of blogging. If I don't get to it Saturday or Sunday, it just doesn't happen during the week. The last time I wrote I was having problems eating all the exchanges in my meal plan. That continued through the rest of that week and the food obsessions and anxiety did not wane.
Friday that week it sort of all came to a head and the restriction gave way to a weekend of poor food behavior, an all out binge Friday night and overeating over the rest of the weekend. There was no particular situation that triggered the use of food. Well not exactly anyway. I should say there was no traumatic event that triggered it but what seemed to get the ball rolling was our potluck at work. There weren't any foods I deemed acceptable or good for me so I told myself to go ahead and try a little of the things I wanted. Normally this would be a pretty adaptive approach but I think because I'd been so judgmental about my foods being good or bad, I just sort of let go and went for it after I allowed myself to eat those "bad" foods.
After lunch I sort of decided to give myself permission to binge when I got home that night, it was nearly planned (short of a special trip to the grocery store). I felt so disgustingly full and ashamed afterward. Saturday morning with the expected binge-hangover I felt crappy. I was super anxious and really would have paid money to curl up into the fetal position in my bed and cry all day. Of course I was at work so no deal there. I didn't plan lunch that day so I was very unsatisfied with what I did end up eating which was really more of a snack. The feeling bad about the previous night's binge and not being prescriptive with my meal plan that day lead to some overeating or as I called it at the time, a "mini-binge".
I was pretty amazed at how quickly and comfortably the cycle came back. It was so easy to fall into and so hard to get out of. This was the biggest binge I've had in months. I was completely being willful about eating. I had been so obsessed over what I was eating, what I judged good and bad that I ended up being so frustrated with having to plan and think and care about what food I'm eating I just decided not to care for a day (or so). There were plenty of pauses, opportunities for me to plug in my skills and I ignored those pauses. I knew they were there when they were happening. I knew while I was in the binge that I would have to discuss all this with Amy and Doug, that I would most likely gain weight, that I would feel physically and emotionally terrible after and yet I gave myself full permission to go that route and end up feeling really horrible about myself.
I have stuck to my meal plan since Monday last week. It's been difficult because I feel some guilt for eating what I feel is too much or "bad" even when what I'm eating fits into my prescribed meal plan. I see how important it is for me to stay on my meal plan even though I still want to eat below my exchanges because I feel totally desperate to lose weight. I hate my body.
Doug and I have been discussing body image and basically reprogramming how I talk to myself about me and my life. I will be starting a new group in a couple weeks that deals solely with body image. Once I start that I won't be attending the DBT group anymore. I'm totally freaked out and scared to be in a group discussing ANYTHING about my body. It is so so hard for me to believe there is anything at all good about it. I'm totally ashamed of it and am really not looking forward to concentrating on it with people I don't know. As scared as I am I know this is necessary. It's timely and very important and hopefully I'll be singing a different tune when the group has finished but right now I just can't fathom feeling anything but disgust and hatred for my body.
Geez, this stuff is just so much fun! Ha. I learned a bit from the binging weekend. Staying on my meal plan helps keep me even, balanced and definitely less anxious. I suppose it's worth it to stay with it - I know it is.
Friday that week it sort of all came to a head and the restriction gave way to a weekend of poor food behavior, an all out binge Friday night and overeating over the rest of the weekend. There was no particular situation that triggered the use of food. Well not exactly anyway. I should say there was no traumatic event that triggered it but what seemed to get the ball rolling was our potluck at work. There weren't any foods I deemed acceptable or good for me so I told myself to go ahead and try a little of the things I wanted. Normally this would be a pretty adaptive approach but I think because I'd been so judgmental about my foods being good or bad, I just sort of let go and went for it after I allowed myself to eat those "bad" foods.
After lunch I sort of decided to give myself permission to binge when I got home that night, it was nearly planned (short of a special trip to the grocery store). I felt so disgustingly full and ashamed afterward. Saturday morning with the expected binge-hangover I felt crappy. I was super anxious and really would have paid money to curl up into the fetal position in my bed and cry all day. Of course I was at work so no deal there. I didn't plan lunch that day so I was very unsatisfied with what I did end up eating which was really more of a snack. The feeling bad about the previous night's binge and not being prescriptive with my meal plan that day lead to some overeating or as I called it at the time, a "mini-binge".
I was pretty amazed at how quickly and comfortably the cycle came back. It was so easy to fall into and so hard to get out of. This was the biggest binge I've had in months. I was completely being willful about eating. I had been so obsessed over what I was eating, what I judged good and bad that I ended up being so frustrated with having to plan and think and care about what food I'm eating I just decided not to care for a day (or so). There were plenty of pauses, opportunities for me to plug in my skills and I ignored those pauses. I knew they were there when they were happening. I knew while I was in the binge that I would have to discuss all this with Amy and Doug, that I would most likely gain weight, that I would feel physically and emotionally terrible after and yet I gave myself full permission to go that route and end up feeling really horrible about myself.
I have stuck to my meal plan since Monday last week. It's been difficult because I feel some guilt for eating what I feel is too much or "bad" even when what I'm eating fits into my prescribed meal plan. I see how important it is for me to stay on my meal plan even though I still want to eat below my exchanges because I feel totally desperate to lose weight. I hate my body.
Doug and I have been discussing body image and basically reprogramming how I talk to myself about me and my life. I will be starting a new group in a couple weeks that deals solely with body image. Once I start that I won't be attending the DBT group anymore. I'm totally freaked out and scared to be in a group discussing ANYTHING about my body. It is so so hard for me to believe there is anything at all good about it. I'm totally ashamed of it and am really not looking forward to concentrating on it with people I don't know. As scared as I am I know this is necessary. It's timely and very important and hopefully I'll be singing a different tune when the group has finished but right now I just can't fathom feeling anything but disgust and hatred for my body.
Geez, this stuff is just so much fun! Ha. I learned a bit from the binging weekend. Staying on my meal plan helps keep me even, balanced and definitely less anxious. I suppose it's worth it to stay with it - I know it is.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
More education
More of the same this week. Perhaps a little deeper in than I was last week. It's been a tough week. Very "attached" to my emotions. I'm supposed to try to sit beside them, observe them and sort of let them flow through instead of latching on. I've been irritable, angry, sad, lonely...it's kind of exhausting, all that hanging on.
I know I should be focusing my energy toward more adaptive coping strategies but it just hasn't happened this week. I've been feeling extremely willful, rebellious I guess. Tomorrow's a new day and I am going to work harder at getting back to center.
I saw my dietitian Thursday. She's got some assignments that require me to eat more than I have been and that pretty much stresses me out right now. Hard to believe someone is actually telling ME to eat more, I could certainly stand to skip a meal or two. A couple months ago I would have laughed at the possibility of this situation. Now that I'm in it, it's of course a different story - less laughter, more anxiety. The willfulness comes in here, where I'm totally irritated someone is telling me to eat (more) when I don't want too. I know logically that the restriction could lead to a binge but it hasn't so far so my eating disorder tells me to keep up the good work scaling down the amount of food I eat. I've been having a hard time with my assignments from Amy and haven't achieved them yet since I saw her.
This phase of my eating disorder feels really odd. I've been here (diet mode/restriction) many times before but this time it's happening while I'm in treatment for an eating disorder so there is this strange awareness next to it while I'm experiencing it. I think part of what's so strange to me is that in the past when I've been here I've viewed this type of behavior as the type of behavior with food that I should exhibit. I have believed that dieting and restricting is "right" and more normal and of course binging/overeating behavior is "wrong".
Now I know that where I'm at isn't right. I'm ridiculously obsessed with food choices. I passed on lunch with co-workers on Friday so I could eat what I brought in order to be able to control and know EXACTLY what I'm putting into my body. This is maladaptive, I know. It's just that since I have viewed this behavior as "good" for so many years, I think it's harder for me to let go of it and get back on track with my meal plan.
Also, I've noticed that I think the behavior in the past week has become less about the weight loss and more about control and even punishment. I'm pretty sure on some level I am punishing myself by the way I am controlling my food. I've been feeling weak and vulnerable lately and I think that may be part of the reason for feeling like I need to punish myself. I sort of feel like I'm doing research while I'm here. I'm definitely learning more about my eating disorder. I'm trying like hell to come up with good reasons to stay in this mode but if my mood the past week is any indication on how well this phase is going - I need to try harder at getting unstuck from here.
I know I should be focusing my energy toward more adaptive coping strategies but it just hasn't happened this week. I've been feeling extremely willful, rebellious I guess. Tomorrow's a new day and I am going to work harder at getting back to center.
I saw my dietitian Thursday. She's got some assignments that require me to eat more than I have been and that pretty much stresses me out right now. Hard to believe someone is actually telling ME to eat more, I could certainly stand to skip a meal or two. A couple months ago I would have laughed at the possibility of this situation. Now that I'm in it, it's of course a different story - less laughter, more anxiety. The willfulness comes in here, where I'm totally irritated someone is telling me to eat (more) when I don't want too. I know logically that the restriction could lead to a binge but it hasn't so far so my eating disorder tells me to keep up the good work scaling down the amount of food I eat. I've been having a hard time with my assignments from Amy and haven't achieved them yet since I saw her.
This phase of my eating disorder feels really odd. I've been here (diet mode/restriction) many times before but this time it's happening while I'm in treatment for an eating disorder so there is this strange awareness next to it while I'm experiencing it. I think part of what's so strange to me is that in the past when I've been here I've viewed this type of behavior as the type of behavior with food that I should exhibit. I have believed that dieting and restricting is "right" and more normal and of course binging/overeating behavior is "wrong".
Now I know that where I'm at isn't right. I'm ridiculously obsessed with food choices. I passed on lunch with co-workers on Friday so I could eat what I brought in order to be able to control and know EXACTLY what I'm putting into my body. This is maladaptive, I know. It's just that since I have viewed this behavior as "good" for so many years, I think it's harder for me to let go of it and get back on track with my meal plan.
Also, I've noticed that I think the behavior in the past week has become less about the weight loss and more about control and even punishment. I'm pretty sure on some level I am punishing myself by the way I am controlling my food. I've been feeling weak and vulnerable lately and I think that may be part of the reason for feeling like I need to punish myself. I sort of feel like I'm doing research while I'm here. I'm definitely learning more about my eating disorder. I'm trying like hell to come up with good reasons to stay in this mode but if my mood the past week is any indication on how well this phase is going - I need to try harder at getting unstuck from here.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
A new twist
The past couple weeks have been sort of like a roller coaster. I think I've entered a new sort of phase of my eating disorder...a restrictive phase or diet mentality. I think that since I've been pretty under control as far as binges go lately, I'm starting to swing to the other side.
The restricting - or diet type of thinking offers me a sense of control that I actually really like. I'm kind of enjoying hanging out on this side right now. I'm pretty sure though the next time I see Amy (later this week) she'll be challenging me to get closer to center again. The last time I saw her she gave me a goal to not weigh myself because I was getting compulsive about it. I absolutely HATE the number on the scale but I have this burning desire to know if I'm up or down all the time. I think I may have a tendency to judge my worth as a person based on whether my weight is up or down. This is not to say that when I'm down - I think I'm a good person, no...it's never enough. The scale is certainly not my only gauge of my self worth but currently it's a handy little tool.
A couple months back I had promised to give my scale away to one of my co-workers. I kept forgetting to bring it in and by the time she asked me about it again, I was feeling very attached to it and didn't want to give it to her. I mean, how will I be able to judge my worth without my scale? I told her I'd bring it for her the next time we worked together. In my head I tried to come up with ideas on how not to let her have the scale after I had promised her she could. I thought about how the battery could have died or it could have just gotten broken. SO STRANGE that I would actually put that much thought into lying so I could keep it. I weighed myself this morning and then brought the scale to work. No more scale in the house.
As I mentioned earlier it's been sort of a roller coaster lately. I've been up, I've been down, I've been way up, I've been down. Today I think I'm sorta somewhere hovering in the middle toward down. I've got something going on in my life right now that is making me feel a bit out of control, as in, I am not able to entirely control the situation. I think that since this has come up, I've been drawn more into the dieting/restriction. I hesitate to use the word restriction much if at all. I am eating my meals but snacks, deserts, and portions are being skipped or watched very closely. To me real restriction is skipping meals.
I like to think the weight loss is faster but of course it's not fast enough. Earlier this morning when I weighed myself I was down about five pounds from the last time I weighed myself (and wrote it down). At that time I thought, that's not too bad for two weeks. Then a little bit ago I looked up the date of when I weighed myself last and it's actually been three weeks. My feeling of "that's not too bad" switched right over to "that's a lot slower rate of weight loss than I thought. I'm not doing as well as I thought I was". See now if I was weighing myself more regularly I wouldn't be as out of touch. That last line was meant to be sarcastic.
I suppose the downside to the diet mentality I'm noticing is that I feel a bit more anxious and obsessive about my food. I guess a big, duh on the obsessive part. I'm also noticing more guilt. Guilt for eating more than I think I should and not exercising as much as I would like. I know logically that the behavior and beliefs are maladaptive. I sort of feel like I'm playing with the line of balance and diet. I'd like to be as close to diet as possible yet still following the "rules" to appear more balanced. I may be a bit to close to diet right now. We'll see how the week goes, I guess.
The restricting - or diet type of thinking offers me a sense of control that I actually really like. I'm kind of enjoying hanging out on this side right now. I'm pretty sure though the next time I see Amy (later this week) she'll be challenging me to get closer to center again. The last time I saw her she gave me a goal to not weigh myself because I was getting compulsive about it. I absolutely HATE the number on the scale but I have this burning desire to know if I'm up or down all the time. I think I may have a tendency to judge my worth as a person based on whether my weight is up or down. This is not to say that when I'm down - I think I'm a good person, no...it's never enough. The scale is certainly not my only gauge of my self worth but currently it's a handy little tool.
A couple months back I had promised to give my scale away to one of my co-workers. I kept forgetting to bring it in and by the time she asked me about it again, I was feeling very attached to it and didn't want to give it to her. I mean, how will I be able to judge my worth without my scale? I told her I'd bring it for her the next time we worked together. In my head I tried to come up with ideas on how not to let her have the scale after I had promised her she could. I thought about how the battery could have died or it could have just gotten broken. SO STRANGE that I would actually put that much thought into lying so I could keep it. I weighed myself this morning and then brought the scale to work. No more scale in the house.
As I mentioned earlier it's been sort of a roller coaster lately. I've been up, I've been down, I've been way up, I've been down. Today I think I'm sorta somewhere hovering in the middle toward down. I've got something going on in my life right now that is making me feel a bit out of control, as in, I am not able to entirely control the situation. I think that since this has come up, I've been drawn more into the dieting/restriction. I hesitate to use the word restriction much if at all. I am eating my meals but snacks, deserts, and portions are being skipped or watched very closely. To me real restriction is skipping meals.
I like to think the weight loss is faster but of course it's not fast enough. Earlier this morning when I weighed myself I was down about five pounds from the last time I weighed myself (and wrote it down). At that time I thought, that's not too bad for two weeks. Then a little bit ago I looked up the date of when I weighed myself last and it's actually been three weeks. My feeling of "that's not too bad" switched right over to "that's a lot slower rate of weight loss than I thought. I'm not doing as well as I thought I was". See now if I was weighing myself more regularly I wouldn't be as out of touch. That last line was meant to be sarcastic.
I suppose the downside to the diet mentality I'm noticing is that I feel a bit more anxious and obsessive about my food. I guess a big, duh on the obsessive part. I'm also noticing more guilt. Guilt for eating more than I think I should and not exercising as much as I would like. I know logically that the behavior and beliefs are maladaptive. I sort of feel like I'm playing with the line of balance and diet. I'd like to be as close to diet as possible yet still following the "rules" to appear more balanced. I may be a bit to close to diet right now. We'll see how the week goes, I guess.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Responsibility
A new coffee shop today. This is the first moment I've had truly to myself for a couple days. Ahhhhh. It was my birthday yesterday so the weekend has been filled with wonderful people, fun activities and lots of food. I think for the most part, I've done pretty good as far as my food has gone the last couple days. Last night felt a little bit mindless (super yummy!) but I tried writing it all down this morning and other than the fats, I think I stayed pretty close to my meal plan. I am trying to accept that I ate outside my meal plan without feeling too guilty and worrying about gaining weight. I've been sick and haven't been working out so I'm pretty nervous about weighing this week.Thursday with Doug was difficult this week. I had been doing a lot of self blaming throughout the week and feeling pretty down on myself. I blame myself often for "screwing up my life" by not getting help sooner or for choosing maladaptive behaviors or really for any mistake I have ever made or am currently making (maybe even ones I have yet to make!). Therefore I believe this (the me that is in pain) is all my fault. Doug calls my continual need to blame "hyper responsibility". This doesn't give me a lot of room for success. In fact it pretty much sets me up for failure.
Doug has said on a couple occasions that I developed my maladaptive behaviors as a coping mechanism because I didn't know any better at the time. I counter that with at some point I have realized these maladaptive behaviors were not working for me but it has taken until now to "take responsibility" and do something about it. Doug says I'm a smart, bright person and that if there was anyway I could have figured out how to cope effectively I would have. I counter that with, if I'm so bright why didn't I get help sooner?
To tell you the truth, I'm not exactly sure what our solution was to this type of thinking. There was so much being discussed this week. I guess I'll have to have him refresh my memory next session. This was just a small part of therapy this week. I swear my "hour" went really fast. We also discussed a comment made by one of my sisters. She and I were discussing doing something, I don't recall exactly what but it involved putting myself out there in a very visible, public way. I said, that would be like a nightmare to me. Her comment was (roughly) "under no circumstances do you ever want to be seen. If you could blend in with the wallpaper you would".
First of all, this comment was in no way made in a mean or condescending way. It was more matter of fact which I think is why I realized she's totally right. My immediate reaction was "I do that because of the weight". But later as I was journaling about it, I wondered if I put on weight so that I can do that. I wondered if the weight was subconsciously put on to help keep me invisible. Sadly, ironically, I have wished for years that my true self could be "seen" or known. So guess what, I blame myself for making myself invisible. Nice little circle, huh?
We did discuss this on Thursday and it sort of was a segue into some deeper more tender self beliefs I'm not ready to throw out here just yet. Doug did say that blending in with the wallpaper has to go. It was a coping mechanism that is not working for me anymore and I need to work on avoiding that behavior. It's keeping me from living by my values, desires for a happy life. The thought of trying to stay out of the wallpaper is super freaky to me.
I think my symptom use has mellowed out a bit and now it seems that we are spending a lot more time on how I've come to be who I am in this life and how I can repair, heal, change myself to live a more fulfilling life. I suppose this is the new chapter I've entered. It feels good to start a new chapter but it seems to be a pretty delicate, painful one. I'm interested though to see where the story goes...
Monday, February 18, 2008
Gravity
Another tough week. This one riddled with the flu. Being home sick has provided me with more time than I wanted alone with myself (and god-awful daytime tv). Last week I referenced some difficult stuff I'm dealing with Doug on. I had an assignment for this past Thursday that revolved around that "stuff".
At first the assignment given seemed challenging but I sort of dismissed the potential gravity of it. Possibly as a coping mechanism? Then as I mentioned last week it started to get more difficult and I went into a sort of obsessive factual hunt and gather mode. I do apologize for not getting specific, again this is extremely personal but the emotions around it are worth sharing.
Then the gravity, the seriousness started to sink in and I sort of became panicked. Well, not so much sort of, I physically had a panic attack. I made a couple phone calls and then was fortunate enough one of those calls was able to come and sit with me while I processed all of this crap. As scary as this was and as emotionally distraught as I was at the time, looking back on that evening I see that I was sitting with my emotions - not trying to stuff them away. It was hard, surreal and physically taxing. I didn't use symptoms through it. This is progress.
The feelings and thoughts behind the panic are still very much there and are at the tip of the iceberg of some self discovery or perhaps self actualization. One type of discovery I've noticed that has sort of shown itself throughout all of this is that I have a tendency to minimize certain types of situations, myself and my emotions..."that's no big deal" (not giving enough weight to my assignment) or "it's okay, it doesn't matter" equates on some level to "I'm no big deal" and "I don't matter". This is a topic for therapy, most certainly.
What's frustrating about the minimizing is that we've done some work on trying to show me that I do matter and I feel like this crap I've been dealing with the last week or so has pushed me backwards a bit, regressed. When I'm sad and down, I'm extremely self critical which makes it really hard to remember, much less believe, all that I've learned or been shown.
I'm wondering how often when I think I'm accepting a new belief or way of thinking that I'm not truly accepting it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I think I've resolved an issue or "dealt" with it and then it comes back and I don't handle it in the effective and adaptive way that I've learned, it makes me wonder how many of my lessons have to be repeated before I truly accept and believe them. I guess it depends on the lesson, some are just harder than others and deserve more attention and patience.
I hope that wasn't too confusing. I'm still sorta spacey from all my sinus crap. Oh how I hope I wake up tomorrow and it's like I was never sick. I want my energy back!
At first the assignment given seemed challenging but I sort of dismissed the potential gravity of it. Possibly as a coping mechanism? Then as I mentioned last week it started to get more difficult and I went into a sort of obsessive factual hunt and gather mode. I do apologize for not getting specific, again this is extremely personal but the emotions around it are worth sharing.
Then the gravity, the seriousness started to sink in and I sort of became panicked. Well, not so much sort of, I physically had a panic attack. I made a couple phone calls and then was fortunate enough one of those calls was able to come and sit with me while I processed all of this crap. As scary as this was and as emotionally distraught as I was at the time, looking back on that evening I see that I was sitting with my emotions - not trying to stuff them away. It was hard, surreal and physically taxing. I didn't use symptoms through it. This is progress.
The feelings and thoughts behind the panic are still very much there and are at the tip of the iceberg of some self discovery or perhaps self actualization. One type of discovery I've noticed that has sort of shown itself throughout all of this is that I have a tendency to minimize certain types of situations, myself and my emotions..."that's no big deal" (not giving enough weight to my assignment) or "it's okay, it doesn't matter" equates on some level to "I'm no big deal" and "I don't matter". This is a topic for therapy, most certainly.What's frustrating about the minimizing is that we've done some work on trying to show me that I do matter and I feel like this crap I've been dealing with the last week or so has pushed me backwards a bit, regressed. When I'm sad and down, I'm extremely self critical which makes it really hard to remember, much less believe, all that I've learned or been shown.
I'm wondering how often when I think I'm accepting a new belief or way of thinking that I'm not truly accepting it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I think I've resolved an issue or "dealt" with it and then it comes back and I don't handle it in the effective and adaptive way that I've learned, it makes me wonder how many of my lessons have to be repeated before I truly accept and believe them. I guess it depends on the lesson, some are just harder than others and deserve more attention and patience.
I hope that wasn't too confusing. I'm still sorta spacey from all my sinus crap. Oh how I hope I wake up tomorrow and it's like I was never sick. I want my energy back!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Gurus
Revelations and progress since last week's post. I had a dream last week the night before I had my melt down. It was a pretty amazing dream. It took place at the intersection of Highway 7 and Blake Road. There was a "guru" (a wise man of some sort) dressed in white. The guru gave me a cup/bowl to hold to help me receive this female energy. I did as the guru said and there was an intense rush of energy that manifested itself physically causing me to lose control of my body. It scared me but I tried it again and again and eventually I did not need to use the cup to receive the energy.
I shared the dream with Doug. He believes the intersection represents a crossroads for me. My feminine side (which has been pushed aside and generally ignored throughout my life) is currently in question so that made sense as the energy. Using help to receive the energy and then learning to do it on my own shows that I am capable of healing myself.
This dream combined with last week's events which Doug says were positive as I went out into the world and grabbed what I needed from it (acupuncture, yoga, socialization) is a sort of transformation. Last Friday night at acupuncture, my acupuncturist said that I should look at that break down as a transition. This is all aligned with what Doug pointed out last week. I've begun a new chapter, he even went as far as comparing this moment to the phoenix rising from the ashes, he said I am the Guru from my dream. I have everything I need inside of me. I feel a shift, I can sense the new chapter. It's a great feeling, empowering, but also a bit new and scary.
Along with that great positive energy, we're digging into some new super tough stuff. I am fairly certain I will be able to share this here at some point in time but I'm not sure when. It's deeply personal and I'm fairly scared to find out where this will take me. This new can of worms was opened on Thursday and has consumed my thoughts since then. I've been in information and fact gathering mode to try and sort things out in my head. I'm anxious to see Doug and discuss what I've been thinking about.
I know this is part of the new chapter. It's weird though, feeling a positive shift forward while at the same time experiencing such a range of really difficult emotions. I suppose that is progress. I am realizing that I have a lot to sort through, a lot of work ahead, probably much more than I realize.
I shared the dream with Doug. He believes the intersection represents a crossroads for me. My feminine side (which has been pushed aside and generally ignored throughout my life) is currently in question so that made sense as the energy. Using help to receive the energy and then learning to do it on my own shows that I am capable of healing myself.
This dream combined with last week's events which Doug says were positive as I went out into the world and grabbed what I needed from it (acupuncture, yoga, socialization) is a sort of transformation. Last Friday night at acupuncture, my acupuncturist said that I should look at that break down as a transition. This is all aligned with what Doug pointed out last week. I've begun a new chapter, he even went as far as comparing this moment to the phoenix rising from the ashes, he said I am the Guru from my dream. I have everything I need inside of me. I feel a shift, I can sense the new chapter. It's a great feeling, empowering, but also a bit new and scary.
Along with that great positive energy, we're digging into some new super tough stuff. I am fairly certain I will be able to share this here at some point in time but I'm not sure when. It's deeply personal and I'm fairly scared to find out where this will take me. This new can of worms was opened on Thursday and has consumed my thoughts since then. I've been in information and fact gathering mode to try and sort things out in my head. I'm anxious to see Doug and discuss what I've been thinking about.
I know this is part of the new chapter. It's weird though, feeling a positive shift forward while at the same time experiencing such a range of really difficult emotions. I suppose that is progress. I am realizing that I have a lot to sort through, a lot of work ahead, probably much more than I realize.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Hindsight
This past week was a tough one. I had urges to binge that were stronger than they have been in a long time. At the time of the urges I tried to figure out why - what could be causing them. This part I think is a good thing, that I had enough sense about me to know something was up. I could not find one singular thing that set me off. I think it was a combination of several things. I was fighting a sinus infection so physically I was worn down. There is of course the constantly underlying theme of loneliness. I had had little social contact with my friends/sisters since the holidays, busy schedules. That combined with Valentine's Day and my birthday coming up, I think that brings the loneliness to the surface a little more.
This stuff I think I understood at the time (Wednesday-ish last week). What I realize now in hindsight is that even though I tried to figure out why I was feeling like using food, as I knew it was emotional, I didn't go the next step and try to figure out how to deal with it. I think I also dismissed those things I thought might be contributing to my mood because (judgmentally) I didn't think any one of them or together were "a big enough deal" to warrant feeling the way I did. I needed to sit with my agitation and sadness without dismissing anything and without judgment. I did exactly the opposite.
Thursday came and I lost it - emotionally. I sunk fast (I forget how that train can run me over) into depression, tons of tears and MAJOR negative self judgment. I did journal a bit but I was so low everything except the blasted thinking was a major effort. It's fascinating to me that as that train is running me over, it completely knocks out any skill use for handling such collisions. Next time I need to try to see the train coming before it hits me.
Surprisingly to me there was no binging last week but I most certainly manipulated my meal plan to serve my perceived needs better. I don't know if that's considered symptom use but I suppose since I wasn't eating entirely for hunger and was eating mainly emotionally (still within the meal plan as I'm fairly terrified of gaining any weight right now) there was probably an element of symptom use at hand.
What I find interesting is that since I've started recovery, when I'm really really sad...so sad that moving my body can be an effort, I don't even want to eat. I didn't want to eat dinner Thursday night. By all accounts I should have been starving by the time I was able to make time for dinner. It was an effort to eat. I don't recall ever feeling that in the hay day of binges - too sad to eat. I think in the past, I would have kept stuffing myself so that I wouldn't feel the sadness. I think this could be considered progress.
Friday was a tough day which it usually is after a melt down. I was irritable, exhausted and dying to eat. Thankfully once I made it through the work day I had acupuncture and then a super intense yoga class that pretty much kicked my ass and after that dinner with my sister which consisted of LOTS of laughing. That was all the best therapy I could have asked for that night. It helped me let go of the night before. The acupuncture grounded and nurtured me. The yoga class helped with the release which I'm realizing (yes, I know mark the date and time I'm going to say this) is very important to my mental health. The laughter and time with my sister - that was the icing on the cake.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Intentions
A little bit early or really late for a post. Tomorrow's going to be a busy day so I thought I'd post today instead. Now back one week from Florida, with no beach time - grrr, I've had time to digest some of the thoughts, readings and revelations that came from having time to spend with them.
I have finished reading Eating by the Light of the Moon and Eat Pray Love. Both were fantastic books and offered valuable insight in their own ways. The former book was eating disorder focused and gave me a lot of insight into the possibilities of how I came to use food to manage my emotions/life. Eat Pray Love, I think, gave me the most inspiration and provoked thoughts on where I want to take myself in terms of making my life better.
On the plane on my way back to this horrific frozen tundra I made a list of intentions for myself. Some of the intentions are a continuation of therapy: following my meal plan, getting exercise regularly, intentionally setting aside time daily for my assignments and recovery. The others are a "newer" road for me.
The first intention on the list is meditation. For years I have wanted to learn how to meditate (body image and social anxieties standing in the way). When I got back home I signed up for a Sunday evening meditation class. Last week was my first one and it was amazing! I had spent Sunday afternoon preparing a space in my home to carry on my practice throughout the week. I love it. I have meditated three times this week and each time was a different experience. I am very much looking forward to each new class.
The main reason I have renewed my desire for meditation is I believe that it will help to calm my mind, ground my soul and reconnect with myself. Duh, right? I feel very much that I need this in able to be most effective in my recovery. I feel very scattered with so much new information and learning how to deal with what I want out of my life. I truly believe meditation is imperitive.
Also, the first morning I got up to meditate I realized that meditation is an amazing lesson on self-compassion - something of which I am not skilled at in the slightest. My "monkey mind" wanders so quickly that I have to gently keep reminding myself to let the thought go and come back to the present. You need to have compassion for yourself to keep from getting angry about the mind wandering. What's the use in getting angry when you're trying to be peaceful, calm and full of love?
One of my other intentions involves my spirituality. I am a spiritual person but certainly not a religous one. I know my spiritual beliefs and am comfortable in them. What I realized while reading Eat Pray Love is that I don't often use/practice my spirituality. I am hoping to dig into it a little more. Learn more and use more, especially with my recovery. I think being able to let go/give things up to my higher power could be quite useful. Again, duh!
There's all sorts of other things going through my head and going on in therapy now too but those can be saved for another post (this one's getting lengthy!). Some good news this week, I saw my accupuncturist last night and she said that the treatments I've been receiving are healing me - my digestive system. I've done a lot of damage to it over the years from dieting and binging, etc. After next week we're going to every other week appointments instead of weekly.
Also after next week I am going to every other week with my dietitian as well. I'm doing pretty well at consistantly following my meal plan and as long as there are no major changes going on relating to that we've decided that every two weeks will be fine. This week at my appointment with her I asked if I could know my total weight loss since I started seeing her. I have lost 20lbs so far. This is a tricky road...the numbers...the weight. I'm content with the 20, it's the number I had in my head. The main reason I wanted to know was because my pants are starting to feel a little looser lately. I get afraid, panicked, thinking about gaining any of it back and that is something I know I have to deal with but for now, I'm happy my weight is going down. Logically, I know my body is healthier for it and that's the primary goal. Emotionally, I'm tied to the numbers and right now as long as they're going down I can deal.
It's been a pretty positive week. I'm feeling good about my personal intentions and looking forward to getting to know them more and more. There's some hard stuff ahead (isn't there always?) but if I can keep with my intentions, I should be able to handle that hard stuff as effectively as possible.
I have finished reading Eating by the Light of the Moon and Eat Pray Love. Both were fantastic books and offered valuable insight in their own ways. The former book was eating disorder focused and gave me a lot of insight into the possibilities of how I came to use food to manage my emotions/life. Eat Pray Love, I think, gave me the most inspiration and provoked thoughts on where I want to take myself in terms of making my life better.
On the plane on my way back to this horrific frozen tundra I made a list of intentions for myself. Some of the intentions are a continuation of therapy: following my meal plan, getting exercise regularly, intentionally setting aside time daily for my assignments and recovery. The others are a "newer" road for me.
The first intention on the list is meditation. For years I have wanted to learn how to meditate (body image and social anxieties standing in the way). When I got back home I signed up for a Sunday evening meditation class. Last week was my first one and it was amazing! I had spent Sunday afternoon preparing a space in my home to carry on my practice throughout the week. I love it. I have meditated three times this week and each time was a different experience. I am very much looking forward to each new class. The main reason I have renewed my desire for meditation is I believe that it will help to calm my mind, ground my soul and reconnect with myself. Duh, right? I feel very much that I need this in able to be most effective in my recovery. I feel very scattered with so much new information and learning how to deal with what I want out of my life. I truly believe meditation is imperitive.
Also, the first morning I got up to meditate I realized that meditation is an amazing lesson on self-compassion - something of which I am not skilled at in the slightest. My "monkey mind" wanders so quickly that I have to gently keep reminding myself to let the thought go and come back to the present. You need to have compassion for yourself to keep from getting angry about the mind wandering. What's the use in getting angry when you're trying to be peaceful, calm and full of love?
One of my other intentions involves my spirituality. I am a spiritual person but certainly not a religous one. I know my spiritual beliefs and am comfortable in them. What I realized while reading Eat Pray Love is that I don't often use/practice my spirituality. I am hoping to dig into it a little more. Learn more and use more, especially with my recovery. I think being able to let go/give things up to my higher power could be quite useful. Again, duh!
There's all sorts of other things going through my head and going on in therapy now too but those can be saved for another post (this one's getting lengthy!). Some good news this week, I saw my accupuncturist last night and she said that the treatments I've been receiving are healing me - my digestive system. I've done a lot of damage to it over the years from dieting and binging, etc. After next week we're going to every other week appointments instead of weekly.
Also after next week I am going to every other week with my dietitian as well. I'm doing pretty well at consistantly following my meal plan and as long as there are no major changes going on relating to that we've decided that every two weeks will be fine. This week at my appointment with her I asked if I could know my total weight loss since I started seeing her. I have lost 20lbs so far. This is a tricky road...the numbers...the weight. I'm content with the 20, it's the number I had in my head. The main reason I wanted to know was because my pants are starting to feel a little looser lately. I get afraid, panicked, thinking about gaining any of it back and that is something I know I have to deal with but for now, I'm happy my weight is going down. Logically, I know my body is healthier for it and that's the primary goal. Emotionally, I'm tied to the numbers and right now as long as they're going down I can deal.
It's been a pretty positive week. I'm feeling good about my personal intentions and looking forward to getting to know them more and more. There's some hard stuff ahead (isn't there always?) but if I can keep with my intentions, I should be able to handle that hard stuff as effectively as possible.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Grounding
I'm in Florida so this post will most likely not be too long. I've got the car and want to get back to the house in a reasonable amount of time. This trip for me - besides being a fantastic opportunity to have my parents to myself is about re-grounding myself. I haven't been as intentional with my recovery as I have been in the past. This trip is giving me the time I need to get back to my journal and reading to start learning more about who I am and what I need.The last couple weeks with Doug has me working on trying to accept reality. I have a hard time with this because immediately I think I have to like reality and that in my head accepting and liking are the same thing. They are most certainly not. I may not like the reality of where I or my body are at in this moment but Doug says I have to accept this in order to move on and make the changes that I want for the future. I am to say "I accept the reality of what is in this moment while pursuing change for the future."
I believe my perfectionism gets in the way of this acceptance. I think I have a hard time accepting because I may not believe whatever it is I'm accepting is good enough, perfect enough, or exactly the way it should be. My brain says it will accept whatever it is when it is perfect. As far as my body goes, I tell myself (subtly, not necessarily with direct words) that I will accept who I am, what my body looks like when it is perfect...thin and beautiful. Since my idea of perfect is most likely unattainable, I have set myself up to fail...to never have to accept myself as I am or even will be. So to work toward acceptance I am to try and get to "neutral" instead of trying to make a big leap from my negative self reference to a positive one. In my head, a positive self reference seems arrogant to me. It doesn't seem so for others to be positive about themselves but it really does for me. Just getting to neutral is going to be a major battle for me. So now, right now I accept that there is a battle to fight. It is my battle and it isn't going to be easy or any fun.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Back to work
I'm going into work tomorrow morning so I won't have time to post. I'm leaving for Florida on Friday so I need to get a jump on my week and get caught up on some work. I don't mind too much. It's sort of nice being at work when no one else is.
I had group and individual therapy this week. Back to normal until next week of course when I'm out of town. My New Years had its ups and downs. I had a fantastic time hanging out with a friend of mine New Years Eve. It was an early night for us so I had thought I'd stop by my sister's afterwards. As soon as I got in my car, Ed showed up. I wasn't prepared for his arrival and since I had some drinks my guard was down and I let him stay in the car with me on my way home.
I knew I could call my friend and suggest staying out a little longer, I knew I could hang out with my sister. Instead I chose Ed and isolation. Which is pretty ironic since part of the problem here is loneliness. My binge wasn't monumental but the sole purpose of eating was emotional. I managed to stop myself before it got too out of hand so I need to give myself credit for that.
All in all I handled the situation pretty well. I got right back on track the next morning although I was swinging a bit toward diet mentality (time on the treadmill wasn't long enough, should skip snack or dinner). I had an appointment with my dietitian, Amy. She suggests I need to remain neutral in my thinking around the diet mentality. I've lost some weight which of course makes me very happy. However, I can be a bit obsessive about not gaining any back which contributes to that diet mentality above. Amy also suggests having more patience with myself, take some pressure off. This equates to staying in the moment. Something I know I need to do but apparently I need to constantly remind myself of that skill.
I talked to Doug about developing my intuition which I believe will help with some self trust. I am to try and notice what my intuition tells me to do on a small scale, listen to it and follow it. For example, for some reason I feel the need to take a different way home from work...listen to that and try it. The past couple days I've just been trying to remember to check in with my intuition.
Along with this, I've started working on discovering who I am. There are currently two parts to this. First I am reassessing my values assignment I had a few months ago. Taking each value area listed and spending some time with each one, figuring out what I truly believe from deep down in my heart. The one I'm going to work on this week is Friendship/Social Relations. The other part to this is learning to accept my reality. I spend so much time and energy hating things about myself, believe that nothing is ever good enough. However, in order to heal and move forward I need to accept "what is". It's very difficult to move forward when you're spending so much energy pulling yourself down. This is going to be a difficult one for me, like I said, nothing is rarely ever good enough.
A lot of hard stuff to work on but I feel like this is a good path right now. It feels as if I'm using my wise mind more often which makes my heart happy. I was reading some journal entries from this summer. Wow...I have definitely made some great progress. I am very thankful for that and to all of those who are helping me heal. There are definitely good things ahead for me this year.
I had group and individual therapy this week. Back to normal until next week of course when I'm out of town. My New Years had its ups and downs. I had a fantastic time hanging out with a friend of mine New Years Eve. It was an early night for us so I had thought I'd stop by my sister's afterwards. As soon as I got in my car, Ed showed up. I wasn't prepared for his arrival and since I had some drinks my guard was down and I let him stay in the car with me on my way home.
I knew I could call my friend and suggest staying out a little longer, I knew I could hang out with my sister. Instead I chose Ed and isolation. Which is pretty ironic since part of the problem here is loneliness. My binge wasn't monumental but the sole purpose of eating was emotional. I managed to stop myself before it got too out of hand so I need to give myself credit for that. All in all I handled the situation pretty well. I got right back on track the next morning although I was swinging a bit toward diet mentality (time on the treadmill wasn't long enough, should skip snack or dinner). I had an appointment with my dietitian, Amy. She suggests I need to remain neutral in my thinking around the diet mentality. I've lost some weight which of course makes me very happy. However, I can be a bit obsessive about not gaining any back which contributes to that diet mentality above. Amy also suggests having more patience with myself, take some pressure off. This equates to staying in the moment. Something I know I need to do but apparently I need to constantly remind myself of that skill.
I talked to Doug about developing my intuition which I believe will help with some self trust. I am to try and notice what my intuition tells me to do on a small scale, listen to it and follow it. For example, for some reason I feel the need to take a different way home from work...listen to that and try it. The past couple days I've just been trying to remember to check in with my intuition.
Along with this, I've started working on discovering who I am. There are currently two parts to this. First I am reassessing my values assignment I had a few months ago. Taking each value area listed and spending some time with each one, figuring out what I truly believe from deep down in my heart. The one I'm going to work on this week is Friendship/Social Relations. The other part to this is learning to accept my reality. I spend so much time and energy hating things about myself, believe that nothing is ever good enough. However, in order to heal and move forward I need to accept "what is". It's very difficult to move forward when you're spending so much energy pulling yourself down. This is going to be a difficult one for me, like I said, nothing is rarely ever good enough.
A lot of hard stuff to work on but I feel like this is a good path right now. It feels as if I'm using my wise mind more often which makes my heart happy. I was reading some journal entries from this summer. Wow...I have definitely made some great progress. I am very thankful for that and to all of those who are helping me heal. There are definitely good things ahead for me this year.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Discovery
I noticed this morning that I haven't written in my journal for a week. I'm sure that Christmas has had a lot to do with that but it makes me feel a bit disconnected still. I'm doing pretty good. Christmas and my food behavior went well. Strangely well actually. Maybe getting lots of Christmas presents has made me high so no need for the food. Doubtful, I know in Christmases past maladaptive food behavior has been a staple. So I just need to go with it...I'm doing well.
A friend of mine is having a hard time lately - going through some tough stuff. I feel so bad and of course have this ever burning desire to "fix it". I know all I can do is listen and be there for her but it's so hard not to think since there's no action - I'm not helping. Also, I've noticed that I feel sorta guilty that I'm doing okay at the moment and she's having a hard time. Isn't that messed up? Like how could I possibly feel good when other people are so sad. I noticed a similar situation at Christmas. One of my dear family members was pretty stressed out and I could feel myself immediately taking that on. Is this Ed? Does he do this to make me feel bad so that I'll turn to him? Geez that bastard gets more sly every day. This will be something I address with Doug.
I've been reading this fantastic book called Eating in the Light of the Moon. It's written in an earthly feminist style. There are two things lately I have taken from this book and am looking forward to sharing with Doug. The first, the author, Johnston, says that most of us (women suffering from an eating disorder) at a young age have been suppressing our "gifts" - those things that make us unique for fear of being different. By suppressing these natural desires (use of intuition) we have basically ignored our true selves - who we really are and are "hungering" to find that that true self we knew when we were little. We are tyring to feed our hunger by using food. Somewhere along the way we learned that it's not okay to be different and listen to your inner voice. Somehow our thoughts and feelings that came naturally were invalidated.
This got me thinking that the me that I've felt has been non-existent most of my life is inside somewhere. I need to find her. I remember thinking at one point in my mid to late 20's that it was okay to be different. I thought that I was pursuing my uniqueness but I believe I was simultaneously trying to fit into a cookie cutter of who I thought I should be instead of just being who I am.
The second item from the book I've thinking about relates to intuition. Taken directly from the book:
This pretty much says it - I have done this for as long as I can remember. No wonder I've felt so lost. However sad I think this is, that for 30 odd years I've ignored this invaluable skill, I'm excited to rediscover it. I have, in the back of my mind, thought I could be more in touch with life and the earth, spiritually or as I'm realizing now, intuitively. I think this is a pretty cool skill to have. I'm looking forward to learning more about it...oh boy...I see MORE books in my future!
New Years is ahead. I've often thought making new year's resolutions was somewhat silly because these are things we should be resolving to due daily...not just once a year. But it is a time of renewal and assessment, I'm looking forward to a healthier year emotionally, spiritually, and physically. As difficult as this particular holiday can be for me, the single girl, I see hope and happiness ahead. I'm looking forward to rediscovering myself.
Happy happy happy...I got a BEAUTIFUL new camera for christmas...a tool that will also help me on my path of self discovery...a crazy photo I took - not sure how it turned out the way it did but it was sort of a happy accident:
A friend of mine is having a hard time lately - going through some tough stuff. I feel so bad and of course have this ever burning desire to "fix it". I know all I can do is listen and be there for her but it's so hard not to think since there's no action - I'm not helping. Also, I've noticed that I feel sorta guilty that I'm doing okay at the moment and she's having a hard time. Isn't that messed up? Like how could I possibly feel good when other people are so sad. I noticed a similar situation at Christmas. One of my dear family members was pretty stressed out and I could feel myself immediately taking that on. Is this Ed? Does he do this to make me feel bad so that I'll turn to him? Geez that bastard gets more sly every day. This will be something I address with Doug.
I've been reading this fantastic book called Eating in the Light of the Moon. It's written in an earthly feminist style. There are two things lately I have taken from this book and am looking forward to sharing with Doug. The first, the author, Johnston, says that most of us (women suffering from an eating disorder) at a young age have been suppressing our "gifts" - those things that make us unique for fear of being different. By suppressing these natural desires (use of intuition) we have basically ignored our true selves - who we really are and are "hungering" to find that that true self we knew when we were little. We are tyring to feed our hunger by using food. Somewhere along the way we learned that it's not okay to be different and listen to your inner voice. Somehow our thoughts and feelings that came naturally were invalidated.
This got me thinking that the me that I've felt has been non-existent most of my life is inside somewhere. I need to find her. I remember thinking at one point in my mid to late 20's that it was okay to be different. I thought that I was pursuing my uniqueness but I believe I was simultaneously trying to fit into a cookie cutter of who I thought I should be instead of just being who I am.
The second item from the book I've thinking about relates to intuition. Taken directly from the book:
In order to maintain the suppression of their intuitive faculties, they internalized the cultural judgments against this information with such statements to themselves as: "There is no reason for feeling this...I must be imagining things...I'm overreacting...I'm too sensitive...
And this became the refrain of their inner dialogue over and over again until they no longer believed they were capable of defining their reality. They lost their sense of an inner authority they could turn to for guidance.
This pretty much says it - I have done this for as long as I can remember. No wonder I've felt so lost. However sad I think this is, that for 30 odd years I've ignored this invaluable skill, I'm excited to rediscover it. I have, in the back of my mind, thought I could be more in touch with life and the earth, spiritually or as I'm realizing now, intuitively. I think this is a pretty cool skill to have. I'm looking forward to learning more about it...oh boy...I see MORE books in my future!
New Years is ahead. I've often thought making new year's resolutions was somewhat silly because these are things we should be resolving to due daily...not just once a year. But it is a time of renewal and assessment, I'm looking forward to a healthier year emotionally, spiritually, and physically. As difficult as this particular holiday can be for me, the single girl, I see hope and happiness ahead. I'm looking forward to rediscovering myself.
Happy happy happy...I got a BEAUTIFUL new camera for christmas...a tool that will also help me on my path of self discovery...a crazy photo I took - not sure how it turned out the way it did but it was sort of a happy accident:
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Merry Christmas
Oh the holidays! I'm back at the coffee house after not being here for almost a month! It's nice to be back in the energy and activity of caffeination!
Lots of new topics from therapy in the last couple weeks. I'm not ready to share all of them just yet. Some of what I'm learning may involve other people and I'm not sure if or how I want to address that here. I don't have anything bad, mean or angry to say about anyone but some of it is pretty fresh yet and I'm still figuring out how to deal with what I'm learning. I suppose that's sort of rude of me to bring up without going into detail but I just want to clarify as to why I may be pretty vague and generalized with my blog lately.
I'm still dealing with loneliness as the holidays are upon me. I'm happy spending time with my family. I am immensely grateful to have such an amazing and supportive family - one full of love and joy. It's the in-between times that are hardest. The times when I have alone to myself to process what's going on around me and what I'm feeling. Staying with my feelings and not "stuffing" them away is hard - it's been a reflexive reaction to stuff any emotion that comes up for most of my life. Trying to remember to let it be and stay with it until it's finished flowing through is hard in itself but then on top of it - the actually feeling of new or uncomfortable emotions can feel really unbearable and overwhelming. This is where I am.
I know this is healing and this is good. It just doesn't feel good. I know it's better not to be numb through it - I know I can learn more if I truly feel. Every tough situation has an opportunity for growth and learning. I just don't know if I'm always up for a new or repeated lesson. I'm so teary lately and when I'm teary, especially in front of others, I feel so weak. Like, couldn't I just push this feeling off until I'm alone and can sort through it? Sometimes though, the emotions are too overwhelming to keep at bay - that's when I feel weak. Like a dam that can't hold the water back anymore...faulty and inadequate.
I have been learning throughout this spell of sadness and loneliness. I'm trying right now to keep this emotional situation as a learning experience. It's is very difficult to be reasonable and sit with your emotions at the same time. To be able to do this is noble and "wise" but man, it takes effort and oodles of practice. I hope someday this will be a sort of second nature to me...right now it's just plain old hard work. I know, I know. No one said this was going to be easy, right?
I'm sure this all sounds so low but there are certainly periods of joy throughout. I'm excited for Christmas and to spend time with my family and loved ones. I spent time with my nephew last night - that is certainly some wonderful therapy in and of itself.
I wish you a holiday full of warmth and peace that will carry on throughout the year and years to follow.
Lots of new topics from therapy in the last couple weeks. I'm not ready to share all of them just yet. Some of what I'm learning may involve other people and I'm not sure if or how I want to address that here. I don't have anything bad, mean or angry to say about anyone but some of it is pretty fresh yet and I'm still figuring out how to deal with what I'm learning. I suppose that's sort of rude of me to bring up without going into detail but I just want to clarify as to why I may be pretty vague and generalized with my blog lately.
I'm still dealing with loneliness as the holidays are upon me. I'm happy spending time with my family. I am immensely grateful to have such an amazing and supportive family - one full of love and joy. It's the in-between times that are hardest. The times when I have alone to myself to process what's going on around me and what I'm feeling. Staying with my feelings and not "stuffing" them away is hard - it's been a reflexive reaction to stuff any emotion that comes up for most of my life. Trying to remember to let it be and stay with it until it's finished flowing through is hard in itself but then on top of it - the actually feeling of new or uncomfortable emotions can feel really unbearable and overwhelming. This is where I am.I know this is healing and this is good. It just doesn't feel good. I know it's better not to be numb through it - I know I can learn more if I truly feel. Every tough situation has an opportunity for growth and learning. I just don't know if I'm always up for a new or repeated lesson. I'm so teary lately and when I'm teary, especially in front of others, I feel so weak. Like, couldn't I just push this feeling off until I'm alone and can sort through it? Sometimes though, the emotions are too overwhelming to keep at bay - that's when I feel weak. Like a dam that can't hold the water back anymore...faulty and inadequate.
I have been learning throughout this spell of sadness and loneliness. I'm trying right now to keep this emotional situation as a learning experience. It's is very difficult to be reasonable and sit with your emotions at the same time. To be able to do this is noble and "wise" but man, it takes effort and oodles of practice. I hope someday this will be a sort of second nature to me...right now it's just plain old hard work. I know, I know. No one said this was going to be easy, right?
I'm sure this all sounds so low but there are certainly periods of joy throughout. I'm excited for Christmas and to spend time with my family and loved ones. I spent time with my nephew last night - that is certainly some wonderful therapy in and of itself.
I wish you a holiday full of warmth and peace that will carry on throughout the year and years to follow.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Fuzzy
Strangely after a week off from writing I still feel as if I don't have much to say. No time for the coffee shop this morning, I nearly forgot about writing. Doug had to cancel my appointment this week so no new inspiration from a therapy session.
I've felt sort of disconnected..sort of dull lately. I'm doing alright as far as my meal plan goes and no symptom use lately. It's just been really hard keeping recovery at the forefront of my mind. I sorta feel like I'm coasting through right now. I think I've been really busy lately. It freaks me out that I can just forget to pay attention to my skill use and my assignments I've been given. I get them done but more or less on the fly and not as mindfully as I'd like too.
I guess I shouldn't analyze too deeply. Right now I'm doing well not using my symptoms. This weekend has been tough though, I'm menstrual. I am amazed at how insanely emotional I get and how I immediately look too food. In the past I would not necessarily have noticed that pattern. I know it now but it's still hard to get through it. I'm trying to pay attention to whether or not my stomach is telling me I need to eat rather than listening to Ed. He absolutely knows that this time of the month is especially difficult for me and is right there to remind me about all of my insecurities and self degradation.
Loneliness and sadness come flooding in when I'm more vulnerable - when my energy is low due to menstruation. I've been very weepy and feeling very alone. Doug and I had discussed (I think I mentioned in a previous post) that I should try to keep the loneliness at bay during the holidays by engaging myself more with friends and/or family. Even with spending more time with family and friends, at the end of the day, I'm on my own and alone. Night time is the hardest.
It is absolutely true that spending time with loved ones helps me feel less lonely but I am learning this weekend that there must also be a balance. I need to dedicate a certain amount of quiet, contemplative time for myself to stay grounded and that can be difficult to do when I'm keeping so busy.
Also there's a fine line between keeping busy (avoidance) and being effective in engaging with others. I think I may have been slightly on the side of avoidance this week. To me that would indicate there's a lower mood ahead, one in which I'm going to have to deal with what I've been avoiding.
That mood will come, sure enough. For now, I'm here writing this blog with my kitty snoozin' all warm and soft in my arms as I type this. I couldn't resist this sweet face:
I've felt sort of disconnected..sort of dull lately. I'm doing alright as far as my meal plan goes and no symptom use lately. It's just been really hard keeping recovery at the forefront of my mind. I sorta feel like I'm coasting through right now. I think I've been really busy lately. It freaks me out that I can just forget to pay attention to my skill use and my assignments I've been given. I get them done but more or less on the fly and not as mindfully as I'd like too.
I guess I shouldn't analyze too deeply. Right now I'm doing well not using my symptoms. This weekend has been tough though, I'm menstrual. I am amazed at how insanely emotional I get and how I immediately look too food. In the past I would not necessarily have noticed that pattern. I know it now but it's still hard to get through it. I'm trying to pay attention to whether or not my stomach is telling me I need to eat rather than listening to Ed. He absolutely knows that this time of the month is especially difficult for me and is right there to remind me about all of my insecurities and self degradation.
Loneliness and sadness come flooding in when I'm more vulnerable - when my energy is low due to menstruation. I've been very weepy and feeling very alone. Doug and I had discussed (I think I mentioned in a previous post) that I should try to keep the loneliness at bay during the holidays by engaging myself more with friends and/or family. Even with spending more time with family and friends, at the end of the day, I'm on my own and alone. Night time is the hardest.
It is absolutely true that spending time with loved ones helps me feel less lonely but I am learning this weekend that there must also be a balance. I need to dedicate a certain amount of quiet, contemplative time for myself to stay grounded and that can be difficult to do when I'm keeping so busy.
Also there's a fine line between keeping busy (avoidance) and being effective in engaging with others. I think I may have been slightly on the side of avoidance this week. To me that would indicate there's a lower mood ahead, one in which I'm going to have to deal with what I've been avoiding.
That mood will come, sure enough. For now, I'm here writing this blog with my kitty snoozin' all warm and soft in my arms as I type this. I couldn't resist this sweet face:
Monday, December 10, 2007
Update
Yesterday was a lazy day and quite uninspired. I am hoping to post a new entry this evening. :)
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Self care
I'm not at the coffee shop this morning. I'm missing my coffee but a sweet little elf is going to be bringing me some soon. :) The snow is so beautiful and it feels Christmasy so I'm hunkering down at home, playing with the pup in the snow and doing some Christmas decorating, while yes, listening to Christmas music. I didn't decorate last year and I think it may have been because we didn't have any snow to speak of. I just love Christmas time!
Walking into Doug's office Thursday, I said "I'm losing my mind" - I was so scattered last weekend and a bit into this week. I couldn't focus, couldn't separate Ed, pretty disconnected. After we deduced that I am most likely not actually losing my mind chances are it was depression. I was lonely last weekend and I think depression swept over me without me really seeing it coming. That inability to focus and feeling of disconnection is common to depression. This I should know, I was in that constant state for so many years that you'd think it would slap me in the face when it comes back like that but I missed it totally.
I told Doug it was hard to find compassion for using symptoms last weekend. I was upset with myself because I have skills and ways to cope and I didn't use them, or maybe couldn't use them. I said, "I know better, I should have acted more according to my wishes for recovery". He said "That sounds like perfectionism". Yes, I can see that would look that way but I still felt like I had been wrong not to use my skills. I guess he and I can look into that further.
On Friday I had acupuncture for the first time. Oh my gosh - everyone in the world should have acupuncture at least once per week. I am certain the world would be a kinder and more loving place. I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted my acupuncturist to work on before I got there but as soon as I walked in, I knew I wanted to open up to her and focus on my eating disorder. Info on acupuncture and eating disorders (click here)
I could go on for pages here about how wonderful my appointment was - it was AMAZING! I am confident acupuncture will be of such help along with my therapy. I think this will go a long way in helping me with self love. I felt so at peace and I really felt like I was doing something to take care of myself and that it was okay to do so. I know therapy is also a way I am taking care of myself but it seems more clinical to me (even though therapy at the Emily Program is of a more holistic approach). They are two different ways to take care of myself. I should keep in mind that all of this work/self care is because I am worth the effort - something I need to work on believing.
I'm very excited to see how acupuncture helps me. I am certainly looking forward to my next appointment. She said she'd like to see me at least once per week but insurance doesn't cover it so for now we're going to do every other week. I wish I had the time and money to do this every day!
I seem to be getting out of my fog of last weekend. Still a bit forgetful but I can feel myself regaining my focus. Doug says I need to make a plan for when this (the depression/loneliness) starts to happen again. I have given the heads up to a few people that I may be calling on them for phone calls or time to hang out. I need not to be isolating myself which I have a tendency to do when I'm feeling depressed. - Makes sense, huh? Feeling lonely - isolate. So many contradictions in life.
Walking into Doug's office Thursday, I said "I'm losing my mind" - I was so scattered last weekend and a bit into this week. I couldn't focus, couldn't separate Ed, pretty disconnected. After we deduced that I am most likely not actually losing my mind chances are it was depression. I was lonely last weekend and I think depression swept over me without me really seeing it coming. That inability to focus and feeling of disconnection is common to depression. This I should know, I was in that constant state for so many years that you'd think it would slap me in the face when it comes back like that but I missed it totally.
I told Doug it was hard to find compassion for using symptoms last weekend. I was upset with myself because I have skills and ways to cope and I didn't use them, or maybe couldn't use them. I said, "I know better, I should have acted more according to my wishes for recovery". He said "That sounds like perfectionism". Yes, I can see that would look that way but I still felt like I had been wrong not to use my skills. I guess he and I can look into that further.
On Friday I had acupuncture for the first time. Oh my gosh - everyone in the world should have acupuncture at least once per week. I am certain the world would be a kinder and more loving place. I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted my acupuncturist to work on before I got there but as soon as I walked in, I knew I wanted to open up to her and focus on my eating disorder. Info on acupuncture and eating disorders (click here)
I could go on for pages here about how wonderful my appointment was - it was AMAZING! I am confident acupuncture will be of such help along with my therapy. I think this will go a long way in helping me with self love. I felt so at peace and I really felt like I was doing something to take care of myself and that it was okay to do so. I know therapy is also a way I am taking care of myself but it seems more clinical to me (even though therapy at the Emily Program is of a more holistic approach). They are two different ways to take care of myself. I should keep in mind that all of this work/self care is because I am worth the effort - something I need to work on believing.
I'm very excited to see how acupuncture helps me. I am certainly looking forward to my next appointment. She said she'd like to see me at least once per week but insurance doesn't cover it so for now we're going to do every other week. I wish I had the time and money to do this every day!
I seem to be getting out of my fog of last weekend. Still a bit forgetful but I can feel myself regaining my focus. Doug says I need to make a plan for when this (the depression/loneliness) starts to happen again. I have given the heads up to a few people that I may be calling on them for phone calls or time to hang out. I need not to be isolating myself which I have a tendency to do when I'm feeling depressed. - Makes sense, huh? Feeling lonely - isolate. So many contradictions in life.
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