Still climbing

Last time I wrote I discussed IOP - Intensive Outpatient Program. I haven't decided to go or had it suggested again but I have started back to the DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) group. It's been pretty clear that I've been in need of additional support lately as I'm still struggling.

I am not supposed to be judging myself for slipping as it is just part of recovery. I'm trying not too but with my clothes feeling tighter lately, it's hard not to beat myself up each time I put on something that is slightly uncomfortable or isn't as loose as it once was. Shopping for some new clothes that fit better was oh so fun when I had to realize my "new" size. The numbers aren't suppose to mean anything but really, they mean everything. I feel better in my new pants, as long as I don't think about the size.

So to try and reduce the symptom use (overeating, binging), my assignment the past week and a half has revolved around breakfast. It is utterly humiliating to admit the amount of food I eat when I'm using symptoms. I feel such deep shame when I think about it or when I have to tell my dietitian what I've eaten. In the depths of symptom use I start eating shortly after I wake up and then frequently through out the day. I wake up thinking about food and when I'm not eating, I'm planning for the next time I can.

Some days I would eat breakfast twice. Eat once on the way to work so no one will see me and then once at work. Full is the goal so that I can feel as little emotion as possible. Depression, loneliness, anxiety are just a few of the emotions I'm trying to ignore.

For my assignment I was to eat my "normal" breakfast around 7:30, which is when I usually eat at work. Nothing to eat on the way to work and nothing to eat until lunchtime, 11:30 or so. After 11:30 - game on, I can still do whatever I need to do. The first few days were really difficult - LOTS of anxiety letting go of that which I use to numb. The first couple days of lunch were pretty filling.

The assignment is small/manageable so as to build confidence and show me that I can be successful. I think there were two days that I didn't follow my assignment and even then, I didn't go too crazy. I'm feeling more competent. Yesterday there was no symptom use at all AND I went to yoga. A very good day.


Like I mentioned before it's a moment to moment battle. I'm very glad I'm back in group, I could tell right away that was where I needed to be. I'm also glad I started yoga again. The very last part at the end of class, after savasana, where we sit cross-legged with hands to heart and show our thanks for our practice, that was the part that touched me most. It felt so good and so right to open my heart in thanks.

I'm still sad, I'm still anxious, I'm still lonely. This week in group we are working on radical acceptance. I am trying to accept that I can be sad, anxious, lonely, etc and still move forward. It's so easy to get stuck but it seems to take some of the pressure off allowing myself, or telling myself it's okay to feel these things.

Generally I put myself in no win situations. I shouldn't feel depressed because that means I'm weak so then I feel bad for feeling weak so I feel depressed again and generally more so...no win. If I can remind myself that it's okay to feel what I feel then hopefully I won't stay stuck as often, that it will be easier to move through the emotion than around it.

The Valley

Two months is a long time and it's been a busy, crazy journey. Most importantly my beautiful sister got married! I'm so so happy for her and her new husband, my new brother-in-law! There were a couple bumps in the wedding day but really, it was wonderful. Everyone had such a great time and seemed so happy.

The past couple months for me have been sort of up and down. Lately, very much down. The few days around the wedding were very high energy, keeping me on alert. When the wedding was over I pretty much crashed. Doug says it makes sense because I spent X number of days high high high and then X+ number of days low low low. It was a pretty rough period of time that included extensive symptom use, a terrible trip to the doctor for a change in my medication and a suggestion of IOP - the Intensive Outpatient Program at the Emily Program.

IOP is used to interrupt symptom use, regulate emotions by learning different coping skills, and gain a more normalized routine with food. I am not opposed to this program but the time commitment is overwhelming to me - 9 hours per week on top of my regular appointment with Doug. Thankfully I'm on an upswing now. I'm not really sure what did the interrupting, perhaps an increase in my meds. Whatever it is, I'm thankful for it.

It's a moment to moment struggle right now. I'm not really sure what's getting me through but baby steps seem to be helping. I'm trying not to get down about the weight I've gained, how much I can't stand how my body looks and how angry I am with myself for allowing myself to slip. Right now is not a good time to be thinking of such things so I'm trying to keep the negative thoughts away until I can deal with them without getting attached to them.

It's time for me to start preparing myself some dinner now. It's important to eat before I get too hungry because that could very easily lead to a binge right now. I've been doing better the past few days and am glad I feel the desire to keep it up.

Hindsight

This past week was a tough one. I had urges to binge that were stronger than they have been in a long time. At the time of the urges I tried to figure out why - what could be causing them. This part I think is a good thing, that I had enough sense about me to know something was up.

I could not find one singular thing that set me off. I think it was a combination of several things. I was fighting a sinus infection so physically I was worn down. There is of course the constantly underlying theme of loneliness. I had had little social contact with my friends/sisters since the holidays, busy schedules. That combined with Valentine's Day and my birthday coming up, I think that brings the loneliness to the surface a little more.

This stuff I think I understood at the time (Wednesday-ish last week). What I realize now in hindsight is that even though I tried to figure out why I was feeling like using food, as I knew it was emotional, I didn't go the next step and try to figure out how to deal with it. I think I also dismissed those things I thought might be contributing to my mood because (judgmentally) I didn't think any one of them or together were "a big enough deal" to warrant feeling the way I did. I needed to sit with my agitation and sadness without dismissing anything and without judgment. I did exactly the opposite.

Thursday came and I lost it - emotionally. I sunk fast (I forget how that train can run me over) into depression, tons of tears and MAJOR negative self judgment. I did journal a bit but I was so low everything except the blasted thinking was a major effort. It's fascinating to me that as that train is running me over, it completely knocks out any skill use for handling such collisions. Next time I need to try to see the train coming before it hits me.

Surprisingly to me there was no binging last week but I most certainly manipulated my meal plan to serve my perceived needs better. I don't know if that's considered symptom use but I suppose since I wasn't eating entirely for hunger and was eating mainly emotionally (still within the meal plan as I'm fairly terrified of gaining any weight right now) there was probably an element of symptom use at hand.

What I find interesting is that since I've started recovery, when I'm really really sad...so sad that moving my body can be an effort, I don't even want to eat. I didn't want to eat dinner Thursday night. By all accounts I should have been starving by the time I was able to make time for dinner. It was an effort to eat. I don't recall ever feeling that in the hay day of binges - too sad to eat. I think in the past, I would have kept stuffing myself so that I wouldn't feel the sadness. I think this could be considered progress.

Friday was a tough day which it usually is after a melt down. I was irritable, exhausted and dying to eat. Thankfully once I made it through the work day I had acupuncture and then a super intense yoga class that pretty much kicked my ass and after that dinner with my sister which consisted of LOTS of laughing. That was all the best therapy I could have asked for that night. It helped me let go of the night before. The acupuncture grounded and nurtured me. The yoga class helped with the release which I'm realizing (yes, I know mark the date and time I'm going to say this) is very important to my mental health. The laughter and time with my sister - that was the icing on the cake.