Still climbing

Last time I wrote I discussed IOP - Intensive Outpatient Program. I haven't decided to go or had it suggested again but I have started back to the DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) group. It's been pretty clear that I've been in need of additional support lately as I'm still struggling.

I am not supposed to be judging myself for slipping as it is just part of recovery. I'm trying not too but with my clothes feeling tighter lately, it's hard not to beat myself up each time I put on something that is slightly uncomfortable or isn't as loose as it once was. Shopping for some new clothes that fit better was oh so fun when I had to realize my "new" size. The numbers aren't suppose to mean anything but really, they mean everything. I feel better in my new pants, as long as I don't think about the size.

So to try and reduce the symptom use (overeating, binging), my assignment the past week and a half has revolved around breakfast. It is utterly humiliating to admit the amount of food I eat when I'm using symptoms. I feel such deep shame when I think about it or when I have to tell my dietitian what I've eaten. In the depths of symptom use I start eating shortly after I wake up and then frequently through out the day. I wake up thinking about food and when I'm not eating, I'm planning for the next time I can.

Some days I would eat breakfast twice. Eat once on the way to work so no one will see me and then once at work. Full is the goal so that I can feel as little emotion as possible. Depression, loneliness, anxiety are just a few of the emotions I'm trying to ignore.

For my assignment I was to eat my "normal" breakfast around 7:30, which is when I usually eat at work. Nothing to eat on the way to work and nothing to eat until lunchtime, 11:30 or so. After 11:30 - game on, I can still do whatever I need to do. The first few days were really difficult - LOTS of anxiety letting go of that which I use to numb. The first couple days of lunch were pretty filling.

The assignment is small/manageable so as to build confidence and show me that I can be successful. I think there were two days that I didn't follow my assignment and even then, I didn't go too crazy. I'm feeling more competent. Yesterday there was no symptom use at all AND I went to yoga. A very good day.


Like I mentioned before it's a moment to moment battle. I'm very glad I'm back in group, I could tell right away that was where I needed to be. I'm also glad I started yoga again. The very last part at the end of class, after savasana, where we sit cross-legged with hands to heart and show our thanks for our practice, that was the part that touched me most. It felt so good and so right to open my heart in thanks.

I'm still sad, I'm still anxious, I'm still lonely. This week in group we are working on radical acceptance. I am trying to accept that I can be sad, anxious, lonely, etc and still move forward. It's so easy to get stuck but it seems to take some of the pressure off allowing myself, or telling myself it's okay to feel these things.

Generally I put myself in no win situations. I shouldn't feel depressed because that means I'm weak so then I feel bad for feeling weak so I feel depressed again and generally more so...no win. If I can remind myself that it's okay to feel what I feel then hopefully I won't stay stuck as often, that it will be easier to move through the emotion than around it.

Boy am I looking forward to a time when a week goes by without having to pay so much attention to my emotions and behaviors. Perhaps that'll never happen but it sure would be nice to have a break from all the heavy stuff.

Group was good this week. One of the activities in our book was to stand in front of a full length mirror and describe what we see, what we think about it and how we felt. Then of course we shared all that wonderful information with the group. It's tough to tell everyone that. Easy for me to do and write it down, tough to admit I'm pretty cruel to myself.

We also discussed our body image history. Each phase of life, what our bodies were like and what types of events could have had an effect on our body image. We were all able to relate to each other's experiences which for the most part were similar in nature even if our experiences were different. For me, being overweight my entire life there was quite a bit of teasing growing up. From what I've read in my book teasing by itself may not have been all that traumatic if my self esteem hadn't already started to diminish.

I guess at this point, it's not entirely important for me to know why or when the bad body image developed. Right now it just needs to be dealt with and squashed. With what we've done in group so far, Doug says there should be (and there is) a hightened awareness of the negativity I put on myself relating to my body. I am to try to work on choosing to think of something, ANYTHING else positive when I notice I'm saying negative things to myself.

I did catch myself a couple times and was able to change my mind. It wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. I told Doug that I felt a resistance to this assignment and another one that is similar. We have more mirror work. This week when I'm standing in front of the mirror, Doug wants me to try and get angry with Ed or my body image instead of attaching to the negative emotions and thoughts that are sure to come up while I'm standing in front of the mirror (some of it naked - ugh!).

When I told Doug I felt resistance to his assignments we of course had to try and figure out why. This ties in with why it's so hard for me to let go of all this negative, self denegrating inner talk. We're getting at something, a new issue! Oh gee...the excitement, I tell ya. I guess it's not an entirely "new" issue but one we haven't focused on. In response to the assignment and my hesitation, it appears to me that if I try breaking down my beliefs I feel like I'll lose the safety net I've built under me. The net that keeps me from letting people hurt me - which also keeps people from getting near me. So my new issue to delve into is emotional safety.

Doug says it makes sense given my history which he and I have been discussing over the past year that I would do whatever it takes to protect myself. If I tell myself I'm nothing, well then, no one can say anything worse of me. It's complicated for me to explain as I am really just trying to understand this myself. Doug says, which sort of alarmed me, that if if I don't break away from this behavior, my eating disorder and my depression will get worse. I suppose that might mean I'm treading water in the meantime?

Lots of work to do with the body image group this week and lots of new ideas and thoughts on my recovery for me to ponder. I think this is effecting my food in that I'm paying less attention. I'm not binging, I'm just not being mindful of my meal plan - eating what I chose regardless of whether or not it fits in the plan for the day. Ugh! This is why I say, it'd be nice to take a vacation from the heavy stuff. Doug sort of did that this week as we didn't delve into one of the assignments he gave me last week that provoked some seriously deep emotions. Something to look forward to next week, I guess!

Happy Earth Day!

Geez, how time flies when one is busy - or it gets nice outside and I don't feel like sitting in front of my computer! Hallelujah! Sunday was the most wonderful day. I spent a good 4-5 hours outside. It was so refreshing, even if the majority of the time was spent cleaning up dog pooh in the yard!

Food has still been a challenge the past couple weeks. In speaking with Doug last week I realized that not only do I use food (the actually eating) to distract or numb me from dealing with what's at hand but the obsession about food - prior to eating, figuring out what to eat (or what I should or shouldn't eat) is a form of distraction in itself. So even if I'm not eating to distract, just the act of obsessing over food choices and following my meal plan is nearly doing the same thing. The obsessing feeds the anxiety and makes it much more difficult to stay with my meal plan.

That was in an interesting realization to me. It seems there are so many layers and just when I think I understand, there's another layer beyond that one. You'd think this wouldn't surprise me anymore.

In order to help reduce my obsessive thinking about various topics (food, body, etc) one of my assignments this week was to allow myself one hour per day for that behavior. For instance, a few days ago I allotted 4:30-5:30pm the time to obsess/worry/ruminate and then I had to plan an activity to take part in right after so that I wouldn't be able to carry on with those thoughts. So the activity was yoga.

Unfortunately I have been too busy the past few days to put this into action but I've also been too tired and busy to obsess. The couple days I did do that practice, there was a relief to it. When I noticed myself obsessing or worrying I just told myself that I can continue that thought between it's scheduled time and it just sort of floated away. By the time I got to that scheduled time, not all of what I'd been worrying about was on my mind anymore. I think this is an excellent exercise I hope to keep integrating into my life until I have less and less obsessive and worried thoughts.

Today was my first body image group session. It's a ten week group based on a book called The Body Image Workbook by Thomas Cash. I was SUPER nervous going in. As we went around the room introducing ourselves most people mentioned they were nervous too. One of the things we did today was to use five colors (Orange = Love, Yellow = Like, Green = Neutral, Blue = Dislike, and Red = Hate) to color a diagram of our bodies front and back indicating how we feel about the various parts of our bodies. Major major anxiety here for me. Upon completing our diagram we, of course, had to share with the group what our person looked like. The majority of my diagram was red and there was no orange at all. I got teary explaining this to the group. Ugh..first day and I'm already crying. I absolutely hate crying in front of people, which is sorta funny cuz I'm such a crier!

This new group is going to be difficult but the women in it seem like really intelligent, strong, supportive people so hopefully I'll be able to absorb some of their strength as I don't really feel I brought much of my own. I sorta felt like a little kid in there today, sort of weak, insignificant and not grown up enough to be able to share maturely. I'd guess that there are other factors at play today in how emotional I feel. New group, work is chaotic and super stressful this week and I am pre-menstrual. I suppose I should chuckle a little at how the timing of things work out, when you think you barely handle anymore...you usually get pushed even further.

So with that I think I may head home (I'm at my desk at work - did I mention busy at work??) and crawl up in a ball and fall asleep or have a beer and then curl up and fall asleep.