Still climbing

Last time I wrote I discussed IOP - Intensive Outpatient Program. I haven't decided to go or had it suggested again but I have started back to the DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) group. It's been pretty clear that I've been in need of additional support lately as I'm still struggling.

I am not supposed to be judging myself for slipping as it is just part of recovery. I'm trying not too but with my clothes feeling tighter lately, it's hard not to beat myself up each time I put on something that is slightly uncomfortable or isn't as loose as it once was. Shopping for some new clothes that fit better was oh so fun when I had to realize my "new" size. The numbers aren't suppose to mean anything but really, they mean everything. I feel better in my new pants, as long as I don't think about the size.

So to try and reduce the symptom use (overeating, binging), my assignment the past week and a half has revolved around breakfast. It is utterly humiliating to admit the amount of food I eat when I'm using symptoms. I feel such deep shame when I think about it or when I have to tell my dietitian what I've eaten. In the depths of symptom use I start eating shortly after I wake up and then frequently through out the day. I wake up thinking about food and when I'm not eating, I'm planning for the next time I can.

Some days I would eat breakfast twice. Eat once on the way to work so no one will see me and then once at work. Full is the goal so that I can feel as little emotion as possible. Depression, loneliness, anxiety are just a few of the emotions I'm trying to ignore.

For my assignment I was to eat my "normal" breakfast around 7:30, which is when I usually eat at work. Nothing to eat on the way to work and nothing to eat until lunchtime, 11:30 or so. After 11:30 - game on, I can still do whatever I need to do. The first few days were really difficult - LOTS of anxiety letting go of that which I use to numb. The first couple days of lunch were pretty filling.

The assignment is small/manageable so as to build confidence and show me that I can be successful. I think there were two days that I didn't follow my assignment and even then, I didn't go too crazy. I'm feeling more competent. Yesterday there was no symptom use at all AND I went to yoga. A very good day.


Like I mentioned before it's a moment to moment battle. I'm very glad I'm back in group, I could tell right away that was where I needed to be. I'm also glad I started yoga again. The very last part at the end of class, after savasana, where we sit cross-legged with hands to heart and show our thanks for our practice, that was the part that touched me most. It felt so good and so right to open my heart in thanks.

I'm still sad, I'm still anxious, I'm still lonely. This week in group we are working on radical acceptance. I am trying to accept that I can be sad, anxious, lonely, etc and still move forward. It's so easy to get stuck but it seems to take some of the pressure off allowing myself, or telling myself it's okay to feel these things.

Generally I put myself in no win situations. I shouldn't feel depressed because that means I'm weak so then I feel bad for feeling weak so I feel depressed again and generally more so...no win. If I can remind myself that it's okay to feel what I feel then hopefully I won't stay stuck as often, that it will be easier to move through the emotion than around it.

The Valley

Two months is a long time and it's been a busy, crazy journey. Most importantly my beautiful sister got married! I'm so so happy for her and her new husband, my new brother-in-law! There were a couple bumps in the wedding day but really, it was wonderful. Everyone had such a great time and seemed so happy.

The past couple months for me have been sort of up and down. Lately, very much down. The few days around the wedding were very high energy, keeping me on alert. When the wedding was over I pretty much crashed. Doug says it makes sense because I spent X number of days high high high and then X+ number of days low low low. It was a pretty rough period of time that included extensive symptom use, a terrible trip to the doctor for a change in my medication and a suggestion of IOP - the Intensive Outpatient Program at the Emily Program.

IOP is used to interrupt symptom use, regulate emotions by learning different coping skills, and gain a more normalized routine with food. I am not opposed to this program but the time commitment is overwhelming to me - 9 hours per week on top of my regular appointment with Doug. Thankfully I'm on an upswing now. I'm not really sure what did the interrupting, perhaps an increase in my meds. Whatever it is, I'm thankful for it.

It's a moment to moment struggle right now. I'm not really sure what's getting me through but baby steps seem to be helping. I'm trying not to get down about the weight I've gained, how much I can't stand how my body looks and how angry I am with myself for allowing myself to slip. Right now is not a good time to be thinking of such things so I'm trying to keep the negative thoughts away until I can deal with them without getting attached to them.

It's time for me to start preparing myself some dinner now. It's important to eat before I get too hungry because that could very easily lead to a binge right now. I've been doing better the past few days and am glad I feel the desire to keep it up.

Food

I'm a little dull and uninspired today as I was up late playing with my sisters last night. I needed some time to myself - out of the house. I was getting to be too much in my head today.

Food has been going pretty well the past couple weeks. I partially attribute this to having "got a grip" (a term my dietitian didn't really like, I think it must have judgment attached to it or something.) and partially because the roommate has been around the house more.

I've discussed with both Doug and Amy that when I'm around him I don't want to feel full, in fact I'd prefer to feel empty. When I feel full/satiated I feel bigger, uglier, and undesirable. When I feel empty/hungry I feel thinner, lighter. I know logically that from one day to the next - full one day, empty the next - there is no change in the look of my body.

In conjunction with this, I notice I don't want to eat as much as I normally would when he's home, which is dinner time. Before he moved in I would eat less during the day for breakfast and lunch and then have the bulk of my exchanges for dinner, so I was sure to feel full, something I was to be working on a while ago before I started having difficulties with food this spring. I haven't really adjusted my daytime meal exchanges to even out and am eating less for dinner so I'm eating to the low end or under of my daily exchanges. Right now, I think its okay. I'm not too far under and it's also hard to tell if the heat plays a factor in my appetite. I guess we'll keep an eye on it since even though I don't have a large emphasis on restriction in my history, I do like it. It's got control attached to it.

The mind set around the meal plan exchanges - the numbers - is still judgmental. If I'm over the exchanges (even if I'm over in one category and under in the rest) I've failed. If I'm under my exchanges for the day - good job! Tying into that is that when I feel full I feel failure. When I feel empty or hungry I feel success. Lots of judgmental thoughts and of course the ever present perfectionism. Ultimately I am to get toward intuitive eating - eating without my meal plan. The thought of that causes anxiety right now, I need my meal plan. It's only been a few weeks since I've been on track and I need it to give me guidance and stability.

I kinda feel like I'm just babbling right now. It's been a warm, sleepy day (two naps!) so I'm kinda cloudy.

Finally!

I know I am beginning to sound like a broken record, but geez, time goes by so fast. It’s been over a month and my lapse is certainly not because I’ve had nothing to say! June was such a busy month, I’m looking forward to a much slower one in July. I attended five concerts last month – three of them outside on gloriously beautiful days. Ah, the summer music season!

I have started to write this entry a couple different times and each time I go back to it things have changed enough I have to scrap what I’ve written. The past month has found some major changes for me and some tough issues to deal with.

The biggest change, I think, is that I’ve taken on a roommate. It’s been over six years since I had a roommate last. This particular roommate happens to be someone I have feelings for and thankfully, he also has feelings for me. It’s totally complicated as we haven’t reached a place yet where we’d move in together as a “couple” yet here we are, living together. He was in a bind, needed a place to live and I had a spare room. He’s a great roommate. He's tidy and considerate of my space, he scrubbed the bathroom….even the tub!

So since it’s sort of an unconventional way to go about starting a relationship, we’re sorta feeling our way through it – respectfully. I think our living arrangement is going pretty well. It’s been a few weeks now and I’m very happy I made the decision to let him live here. The only one not happy about this is Ed. He’s pretty pissed off.

Ed sees this man as his replacement. The roomie disrupts my routine, or my safety net of isolation and food – wouldn’t want to display any of that behavior in front of him! So this situation, as challenging as it may be, is actually a good thing. It’s good that my maladaptive behavior be tested in this way – in a positive, growth oriented sort of way.

Doug labels Ed as an abusive lover. Ed does not like to be pushed to the side for someone real, especially someone who genuinely cares about me. Ed just acts like he cares so that I’ll trust his terrible, maladaptive advice. Food’s been really difficult lately (for a few months now) and this last round of difficulties is attributed to pissing Ed off. Doug says it’s appropriate for me to need to grieve the loss of my abusive lover Ed. I think I’m starting to do that. Food's been back on track this week...yeah!

Also with this situation what was so hard was that I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what was so upsetting that kept me from controlling my food. It’s extremely frustrating for me not to be able to figure that out. In coming to the conclusion that the roommate’s presence is shaking Ed up a bit, I could see more than ever that I need to get my perfectionism under control and at the same time really start learning to have compassion for myself. As I was explaining to Doug how frustrated I was not being able to pinpoint a reason that I deemed justifiable for the behavior I’ve exhibited with food, he pointed out that my need to be perfect tells me that the absolute worst thing should be happening in order to justify that behavior. That if my struggles are not as bad as the worst thing than I’m bad for feeling bad! As Doug has pointed out on a number of occasions, often there is no winning between me and Ms. Perfectionist.

Perfectionism keeps me down, keeps me in the frame of mind that I’m a bad person. It keeps me believing that if I don’t behave exactly right or my body does not look exactly as I think it should (thin and beautiful, of course) than I’m worthless and undeserving. Since it is not possible to behave perfectly or look perfect, I can never achieve anything but worthlessness. This is certainly a topic to be dealt with and we’re working on it. I’m beginning to see where it comes from and how it became. That’s some really painful and personal stuff.

Compassion comes in by realizing that it’s okay to not be perfect and even to make mistakes (gasp!). Also a difficult lesson since generally Ms. Perfectionist tells me I don’t deserve compassion in the first place. Isn’t she great?! Yeah, right.

Speaking of perfect bodies, my body image group has been completed. It was a ten week session, last week was the final week. The women in my group are phenomenal and I am so glad that they were able to make progress and grow through the lessons. The final week we all went around and discussed our progress. I felt awful after group. I compared myself to the other ladies, they all seemed to have made much more progress than I did. See Ms. Perfectionist again…she said I didn’t do well enough in the body image group so the work that I did do doesn’t mean anything. Ugh! I talked to Doug and we discussed that I did make progress and that just because the group is over doesn’t mean my work with body image is over, in fact it’s probably closer to just beginning.

I suppose that about catches things up. I’ve also realized how important it is that I take the time to hit the coffee shop again for my weekly online therapy (blog) session. It keeps me connected and gives me time for myself. Hopefully I can get that cookin’ again this weekend.

Ah-ha

I cannot believe how fast time goes by. Staying rooted in the present is really something I wish I could be better at. I wonder if I were better at it, would time seem to pass by as quickly?

I had sort of an "ah-ha" moment a couple weeks ago. So so much of my issues that feed my eating disorder are firmly set in perfection. In working on some body image homework, I realized that the hatred and disgust I feel toward my appearance could be looked at as a symptom of my perfectionism. I think I can see that my weight can be a symptom of my (im)perfection, not as much a cause of my pain.

I have put such great emphasis on my weight as the source of my pain when perhaps the perfectionism is closer to the source than the weight is. Right now it seems to me it might be less tender to address the perfection than for me to continue to focus on my appearance. Perhaps this new realization can allow me to forgive myself for my weight if I can truly believe it may have been the perfectionism that was a major player in the weight gain to begin with.

This realization for the moment does not immediately change how I feel about my body. I still do not like looking in the mirror - I cringe. However, it is creating some "wiggle room" for me to sneak some compassion in and maybe just a smidge of acceptance.

All this work I've been doing in therapy and a busy life outside of therapy is taking it's toll on my food (still). I kinda realized that with putting so much focus on these uncovered issues, I have not been keeping a look out for my old buddy Ed. I know I've said it before but he's a sneaky bastard. He has me convinced that it's okay to turn to him while I'm going through this harder stuff. "Don't worry Jessica, this stuff is hard right now, it's okay to turn to me. Things will get easier and you can shove me off when that happens but for now, come play with me."

I need to reread the book Life Without Ed, a refresher on keeping an eye on that clever bugger. I'm feeling really out of touch, and out of control as far as Ed is concerned. Hopefully getting back into the book will help get me back on my toes, my sense of "danger" heightened.

A different perspective

Life has been super busy so until I can get a chance to catch up here's something we read in our body image group. It's a very different view point than I am used to believing. I thought it was very poetic and lovely...

A Parable of Fat's Creation
And creating them in Her own image and likeness, Goddess says, "Let there be fat." And there is fat, to envelope and warm the whole bodies of the man and the woman. To both of them are given this great gift, in different measure, according to their particular perfections. To the woman, in great measure is fat given. A mantel of sensitivity and sensuality Goddess grants her in this luminous fleece beneath her skin. The lines of her form are thus distinguished from the man's, augmenting her breasts and hips and belly and bottom, rooting her thighs like trunks to earth's molten core, rich stores of yellow sap just below her surface. This soft layer deep to her skin gives shape to the woman's power, for here she stores her resource, here she draws to herself her love in sensual embraces, here she comforts and feeds her children, nuzzling swirls of pillowed mounds and fountains of nourishment for body and spirit. Here she finely attunes her perception of everything and everyone around her - the movement of animals, the sounds of the night, the order of the stars, sun and moon, the cycling of seasons, and the echo of every beating heart rippling subtle waves of feeling through the delicate, wise web of listening flesh. Here she embeds the wisdom of "Her will be done" with all that she senses and knows. Adorned with her bright yellow dream coat, the woman dances; her form flies, undulates, and rolls, mapping stories in space, stirring the hearts and minds and bodies of all who dare move with every morsel of her now.
-G.H.

Boy am I looking forward to a time when a week goes by without having to pay so much attention to my emotions and behaviors. Perhaps that'll never happen but it sure would be nice to have a break from all the heavy stuff.

Group was good this week. One of the activities in our book was to stand in front of a full length mirror and describe what we see, what we think about it and how we felt. Then of course we shared all that wonderful information with the group. It's tough to tell everyone that. Easy for me to do and write it down, tough to admit I'm pretty cruel to myself.

We also discussed our body image history. Each phase of life, what our bodies were like and what types of events could have had an effect on our body image. We were all able to relate to each other's experiences which for the most part were similar in nature even if our experiences were different. For me, being overweight my entire life there was quite a bit of teasing growing up. From what I've read in my book teasing by itself may not have been all that traumatic if my self esteem hadn't already started to diminish.

I guess at this point, it's not entirely important for me to know why or when the bad body image developed. Right now it just needs to be dealt with and squashed. With what we've done in group so far, Doug says there should be (and there is) a hightened awareness of the negativity I put on myself relating to my body. I am to try to work on choosing to think of something, ANYTHING else positive when I notice I'm saying negative things to myself.

I did catch myself a couple times and was able to change my mind. It wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. I told Doug that I felt a resistance to this assignment and another one that is similar. We have more mirror work. This week when I'm standing in front of the mirror, Doug wants me to try and get angry with Ed or my body image instead of attaching to the negative emotions and thoughts that are sure to come up while I'm standing in front of the mirror (some of it naked - ugh!).

When I told Doug I felt resistance to his assignments we of course had to try and figure out why. This ties in with why it's so hard for me to let go of all this negative, self denegrating inner talk. We're getting at something, a new issue! Oh gee...the excitement, I tell ya. I guess it's not an entirely "new" issue but one we haven't focused on. In response to the assignment and my hesitation, it appears to me that if I try breaking down my beliefs I feel like I'll lose the safety net I've built under me. The net that keeps me from letting people hurt me - which also keeps people from getting near me. So my new issue to delve into is emotional safety.

Doug says it makes sense given my history which he and I have been discussing over the past year that I would do whatever it takes to protect myself. If I tell myself I'm nothing, well then, no one can say anything worse of me. It's complicated for me to explain as I am really just trying to understand this myself. Doug says, which sort of alarmed me, that if if I don't break away from this behavior, my eating disorder and my depression will get worse. I suppose that might mean I'm treading water in the meantime?

Lots of work to do with the body image group this week and lots of new ideas and thoughts on my recovery for me to ponder. I think this is effecting my food in that I'm paying less attention. I'm not binging, I'm just not being mindful of my meal plan - eating what I chose regardless of whether or not it fits in the plan for the day. Ugh! This is why I say, it'd be nice to take a vacation from the heavy stuff. Doug sort of did that this week as we didn't delve into one of the assignments he gave me last week that provoked some seriously deep emotions. Something to look forward to next week, I guess!