Still climbing

Last time I wrote I discussed IOP - Intensive Outpatient Program. I haven't decided to go or had it suggested again but I have started back to the DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) group. It's been pretty clear that I've been in need of additional support lately as I'm still struggling.

I am not supposed to be judging myself for slipping as it is just part of recovery. I'm trying not too but with my clothes feeling tighter lately, it's hard not to beat myself up each time I put on something that is slightly uncomfortable or isn't as loose as it once was. Shopping for some new clothes that fit better was oh so fun when I had to realize my "new" size. The numbers aren't suppose to mean anything but really, they mean everything. I feel better in my new pants, as long as I don't think about the size.

So to try and reduce the symptom use (overeating, binging), my assignment the past week and a half has revolved around breakfast. It is utterly humiliating to admit the amount of food I eat when I'm using symptoms. I feel such deep shame when I think about it or when I have to tell my dietitian what I've eaten. In the depths of symptom use I start eating shortly after I wake up and then frequently through out the day. I wake up thinking about food and when I'm not eating, I'm planning for the next time I can.

Some days I would eat breakfast twice. Eat once on the way to work so no one will see me and then once at work. Full is the goal so that I can feel as little emotion as possible. Depression, loneliness, anxiety are just a few of the emotions I'm trying to ignore.

For my assignment I was to eat my "normal" breakfast around 7:30, which is when I usually eat at work. Nothing to eat on the way to work and nothing to eat until lunchtime, 11:30 or so. After 11:30 - game on, I can still do whatever I need to do. The first few days were really difficult - LOTS of anxiety letting go of that which I use to numb. The first couple days of lunch were pretty filling.

The assignment is small/manageable so as to build confidence and show me that I can be successful. I think there were two days that I didn't follow my assignment and even then, I didn't go too crazy. I'm feeling more competent. Yesterday there was no symptom use at all AND I went to yoga. A very good day.


Like I mentioned before it's a moment to moment battle. I'm very glad I'm back in group, I could tell right away that was where I needed to be. I'm also glad I started yoga again. The very last part at the end of class, after savasana, where we sit cross-legged with hands to heart and show our thanks for our practice, that was the part that touched me most. It felt so good and so right to open my heart in thanks.

I'm still sad, I'm still anxious, I'm still lonely. This week in group we are working on radical acceptance. I am trying to accept that I can be sad, anxious, lonely, etc and still move forward. It's so easy to get stuck but it seems to take some of the pressure off allowing myself, or telling myself it's okay to feel these things.

Generally I put myself in no win situations. I shouldn't feel depressed because that means I'm weak so then I feel bad for feeling weak so I feel depressed again and generally more so...no win. If I can remind myself that it's okay to feel what I feel then hopefully I won't stay stuck as often, that it will be easier to move through the emotion than around it.