Rainy

Big bummer this morning, I couldn't get the internet to work on my laptop at the coffee shop. So I have returned home and am creating my own coffee shop. I have my coffee, sitting at the table with some music turned up. A little different though, I'm getting help here from the kitties.

I'm still doing pretty well as far as symptom use goes. I sorta feel like I've been overeating a little bit but I think that has more to do with the fact that I've been out to eat the last three nights. This week has been tougher though. I'm menstrual and oh yeah...a full moon. I suppose I'll get some eye rolling for that one but I happen to believe the moon definitely can affect my mood. So those combined with a deep therapy session has made me quite emotional the last few days.

In therapy we talked about willfulness. That was that whole "I just wanna binge" thing. Willfulness is "doing the opposite of what works, giving up, or refusing to tolerate the moment". Willfulness goes hand in hand with perfectionism. I have a lot of perfectionism and that is a big part of an eating disorder. I am allowed to accept that I am being willful and sit with being willful (insert four year old behavior, I don't want that, I want this) as long as I don't act on my willful behavior. If I try all my coping mechanisms to avoid participating in what I'm being willful about and still feel the need to use food, then that's just the way it is. So far I haven't gotten to that point but it was important to point out in therapy that if that does happen, I'm not a failure, or a bad person, it's just more information to work with about my eating disorder.

One other thing affecting my mood today, at work yesterday we found out that one of our agents had taken his own life. Suicide always deeply affects me as I can completely understand how someone would feel that was the only way out. It makes me so terribly sad to think he was so lonely he had no one to turn too for help. I didn't know him well but he had been with that office longer than I have and was always so sweet to think of us at the front desk at Christmas time. I feel sad that I didn't know him better, that I never tried engaging him in conversation but I suppose that's a natural reaction.

So today is rather melancholy and sad, the rain helps that too. I have yoga this afternoon and some errands to run, that will help me keep focused through the day, help me from getting sucked into further sadness.

This week's photo:



(p.s. Go see this movie! Click here)