binging

It was a challenging weekend. Really just Saturday afternoon through last night. Saturday afternoon I received a phone call from someone very dear to me. She called to tell me "...I won't be jumping up and down everytime you lose X number of lbs...". She said that she loves me for so many other reasons than the number on the scale. I respect her greatly for telling me this and as much as I know logically this is true and it was a positive thing she was telling me, I felt bad. I felt bad for getting excited about the number of pounds lost. I felt bad because other people had congratulated me on those pounds lost. It made me really mixed up.

I don't wish she wouldn't have said anything, I'm glad she did and she is right. The number on the scale is not who I am. I am not losing pounds just to lose pounds to be thin. Obviously I want to be thin but most of all I want to be healthy and have a healthy outlook on food. Her comment just made my head spin around and it through me for a whole day. I feel like it's alright to get excited or feel proud of the weight I've lost. For me it is a motivator right now to keep going. I cannot stay at this weight, it is not healthy for my body. I am at the very very beginning of dealing with the emotional side of this so right now I'm particularly focused on the weight loss.

So because she sent me spinning on Saturday I found myself immediately "hungry". I went with a friend to Applebees (weight watchers friendly) and did pretty well there. However when I got home around 10pm I was still "hungry" so I proceeded to snack. I didn't go crazy like I would have before I started this journey. But I knew outright that I was eating out of frustration and not because my body was hungry. I've been reading my book and this apparently is good. The fact that I recognized what I was doing but still did it anyway is a step closer to working through the binge. The book said that I should be thankful for the feeling of wanting to binge (sounds crazy, I know). This is a HUGE signal that I am giving myself that I am in need of fulfilling some other type of emotional hunger.

So I got up Sunday morning and was PISSED at myself for allowing myself to eat the night before when I wasn't hungry. Part of me wanted so say "what the hell, it's Easter, might as well continue the binge for the day" and another voice, a much quieter voice said go work out. I worked out and was just pissed off while I was doing it. I had the best workout I've had yet. I was still upset after my workout but a little less stressed about it. My frustration with the whole thing didn't really dissipate until after dinner when I got to talk with my sister about it. I guess it isn't totally dissipated because I feel pretty edgey today but talking to her about it definitely helped.