hangin' in there

I figured I should write before the weekend as I have friends coming from out of town and may not have time to update until next week. It's been sort of a stressful week for me. I've been fighting every urge to gorge on whatever I could get my hands on. Yesterday I really felt like if I let myself have one extra "treat" it'd be all over and I'd be munching away. I didn't do it though, I got my butt right to the gym and had a pretty good workout. I hate to admit it but I'm starting to feel like there's a bigger benefit to exercise. Since I hate exercise immensely, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but it seems to be a good release. I have felt better (exhausted but better) after exercising - a little more in control and a little calmer, more able to handle what's being thrown at me or what I'm throwing at myself. I guess it gives me time away from food and "regular" life to concentrate on one thing...getting through the workout. It gives me focus. Of course there was one day this week I was not focused while I was there and that was a tough and slow workout but I made it through.

I intend to have a good time with my friends this weekend. We've got a show to go to Friday night and some potential gatherings (parties). I have major anxiety over parties where I don't know enough people or the place. Mainly because I am ridiculously aware of how much space my body takes up in the room. If it's crowded and I'm getting bumped into a lot it feels like a reminder (just in case I needed one) that I'm large and in the way. Not exactly the best feeling to have while you're trying to meet new people and be upbeat and happy. A crowded room combined with even the slightest bit of added warmth sends my anxiety through the roof. Then I start getting hot, I start obsessing about the fact that I'm hot and then I'm even more uncomfortable. Then I start sweating. Oh yeah, the anxiety just reached epic proportions. How in the world can I hold a conversation with someone when inside my head I'm obsessing about whether or not they've notice that this large girl in front of them is sweating? How do I get through it? Not engage with people, make several trips to the bathroom to run my wrists under cold water (cools ya down!), and drink lots of water as alcohol tends to elevate my body temperature as well. Then I start to plan my reason for leaving early - run away you say? Yes! How do I alleviate future scenarios like this...stay at home. Pretty lame, huh? I know this crap is all in my head somehow even though right now I believe it to be gospel. I guess you could say I'm looking forward to therapy. I need to get this stuff straightened out. So for future unavoidable gatherings I pray pray pray that the party won't be crowded and I will feel safe, that it won't be too hot and that I don't let myself obsess over crap that people probably aren't even paying attention too. Boy will I be excited when I'm comfortable in my own skin!

I don't want to be a dud when my friends are here so I am going to try as hard as possible to keep a level head and still have a great time. I'm pretty excited about their visit so I think I'll be able to remain positive. I've shared where I'm at with this stuff with her and she knows about my anxiety with crowds and whatnot and is very supportive. I'm sure it will be a great weekend!