Ed strikes again

Ed is still hanging around this week. He can be so annoying, he just doesn't get the hint sometimes - go away Ed! Another binge this week. This has been the roughest time I've had with symptom use in a long time. The more symptom use, the worse I feel about myself and that just feeds the monster and the cycle continues. I've been back on track for the most part but I'm still struggling.

I'm trying to pay more attention to Ed. Like I'd want to right? I've noticed that I've sort of been ignoring him and in doing so he's been doing what he wants instead of listening to me - since I haven't been telling him what to do. So I've been trying to journal daily and ask myself "Where's Ed at, what's he telling me, what does he want?". I feel like I'm playing Where's Waldo. This helps me keep an eye on him instead of allowing him to sneak up behind me or sit quietly next to me.

Doug also wants me to ask myself when I'm feeling urges to use symptoms - "How can I be more effective?". Meaning, how can I approach this situation so that it has a more effective and adaptive outcome. To be effective I am plugging in my skills such as staying in the moment, being non-judgmental and probably using whatever distress tolerence skills I need to get through the difficult moment (distraction, making a list of pros/cons of the behavior, and self soothing).

So why the bump in the road? Why has my symptom use increased? Well there is a situation - a nice situation but a stressful one in the works. It's happy but anxiety provoking at the same time and it has sort of flared up my judgmental inner dialog about myself lately. I'm kind of irritated that this particular situation is effecting my eating disorder as it is. It makes me feel weak and incompetent, like I can't handle it. Doug has rationalized with me why I would feel the way I'm feeling and has suggested for me to use radical acceptance because part of the situation is completely out of my control. I need to radically accept that fact so that I can let go of it and allow the situation to work itself out in its own time. There is a major lesson in patience here - I'd like to say I'm a patient person but in many instances, I'm not.

Sorry to be so vague about it, I'm not prepared to share all the details here. But I have to accept that this does have an effect on me (even though I'd rather not) and I need to pay better attention to that fact and do what I can to be mindful and effective.

All in all, I'm feeling pretty good - anxious but good. The nicer weather sure helps things too. I wonder if there was much coincidence to the last binge and that mind-blowing snow fall on Monday. Thank goodness spring is here!!!