More education

More of the same this week. Perhaps a little deeper in than I was last week. It's been a tough week. Very "attached" to my emotions. I'm supposed to try to sit beside them, observe them and sort of let them flow through instead of latching on. I've been irritable, angry, sad, lonely...it's kind of exhausting, all that hanging on.

I know I should be focusing my energy toward more adaptive coping strategies but it just hasn't happened this week. I've been feeling extremely willful, rebellious I guess. Tomorrow's a new day and I am going to work harder at getting back to center.

I saw my dietitian Thursday. She's got some assignments that require me to eat more than I have been and that pretty much stresses me out right now. Hard to believe someone is actually telling ME to eat more, I could certainly stand to skip a meal or two. A couple months ago I would have laughed at the possibility of this situation. Now that I'm in it, it's of course a different story - less laughter, more anxiety. The willfulness comes in here, where I'm totally irritated someone is telling me to eat (more) when I don't want too. I know logically that the restriction could lead to a binge but it hasn't so far so my eating disorder tells me to keep up the good work scaling down the amount of food I eat. I've been having a hard time with my assignments from Amy and haven't achieved them yet since I saw her.

This phase of my eating disorder feels really odd. I've been here (diet mode/restriction) many times before but this time it's happening while I'm in treatment for an eating disorder so there is this strange awareness next to it while I'm experiencing it. I think part of what's so strange to me is that in the past when I've been here I've viewed this type of behavior as the type of behavior with food that I should exhibit. I have believed that dieting and restricting is "right" and more normal and of course binging/overeating behavior is "wrong".

Now I know that where I'm at isn't right. I'm ridiculously obsessed with food choices. I passed on lunch with co-workers on Friday so I could eat what I brought in order to be able to control and know EXACTLY what I'm putting into my body. This is maladaptive, I know. It's just that since I have viewed this behavior as "good" for so many years, I think it's harder for me to let go of it and get back on track with my meal plan.

Also, I've noticed that I think the behavior in the past week has become less about the weight loss and more about control and even punishment. I'm pretty sure on some level I am punishing myself by the way I am controlling my food. I've been feeling weak and vulnerable lately and I think that may be part of the reason for feeling like I need to punish myself. I sort of feel like I'm doing research while I'm here. I'm definitely learning more about my eating disorder. I'm trying like hell to come up with good reasons to stay in this mode but if my mood the past week is any indication on how well this phase is going - I need to try harder at getting unstuck from here.