Walking into Doug's office Thursday, I said "I'm losing my mind" - I was so scattered last weekend and a bit into this week. I couldn't focus, couldn't separate Ed, pretty disconnected. After we deduced that I am most likely not actually losing my mind chances are it was depression. I was lonely last weekend and I think depression swept over me without me really seeing it coming. That inability to focus and feeling of disconnection is common to depression. This I should know, I was in that constant state for so many years that you'd think it would slap me in the face when it comes back like that but I missed it totally.
I told Doug it was hard to find compassion for using symptoms last weekend. I was upset with myself because I have skills and ways to cope and I didn't use them, or maybe couldn't use them. I said, "I know better, I should have acted more according to my wishes for recovery". He said "That sounds like perfectionism". Yes, I can see that would look that way but I still felt like I had been wrong not to use my skills. I guess he and I can look into that further.
On Friday I had acupuncture for the first time. Oh my gosh - everyone in the world should have acupuncture at least once per week. I am certain the world would be a kinder and more loving place. I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted my acupuncturist to work on before I got there but as soon as I walked in, I knew I wanted to open up to her and focus on my eating disorder. Info on acupuncture and eating disorders (click here)
I could go on for pages here about how wonderful my appointment was - it was AMAZING! I am confident acupuncture will be of such help along with my therapy. I think this will go a long way in helping me with self love. I felt so at peace and I really felt like I was doing something to take care of myself and that it was okay to do so. I know therapy is also a way I am taking care of myself but it seems more clinical to me (even though therapy at the Emily Program is of a more holistic approach). They are two different ways to take care of myself. I should keep in mind that all of this work/self care is because I am worth the effort - something I need to work on believing.
I'm very excited to see how acupuncture helps me. I am certainly looking forward to my next appointment. She said she'd like to see me at least once per week but insurance doesn't cover it so for now we're going to do every other week. I wish I had the time and money to do this every day!
I seem to be getting out of my fog of last weekend. Still a bit forgetful but I can feel myself regaining my focus. Doug says I need to make a plan for when this (the depression/loneliness) starts to happen again. I have given the heads up to a few people that I may be calling on them for phone calls or time to hang out. I need not to be isolating myself which I have a tendency to do when I'm feeling depressed. - Makes sense, huh? Feeling lonely - isolate. So many contradictions in life.
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