Fascinating Information

I am feeling more connected with myself today than I have in the last week. I have felt so scattered. I didn't fill out my diary card at all for group last week and that is so unlike me. I use that card as a tool to examine where I'm at on a day to day basis. I thought that was so strange.

Last week's assignment from Doug was to write down every self judgment. Due to the fact that I was scatter brained last week, this wasn't as complete a list as it could have been but it was complete enough when Doug went over the list on Thursday. Basically, I am constantly comparing myself to others and then degrading myself because I do not live up to what I believe is in them - ideal. I judge myself for making mistakes at work - I hate making mistakes. There is perfectionism rampant through my judgments.

One of Doug's assignments for this week is for me to start reading a book called "Life Without Ed". He assigned this book as a way for me to try to separate myself from Ed which will hopefully help me decrease the self disgust and negative inner dialog.

I picked the book up Thursday night (I love book assignments, by the way) and am already about half way through it. I SWEAR I feel like I wrote this book. The woman writing the book, Jenni, is recovering from anorexia and bulimia. She is writing about how to divorce Ed. She and I have different symptoms of an eating disorder but Ed tells her the same things he tells me. I am completely fascinated by this book. As I'm reading it I can see that Ed certainly has a voice in my head. This morning he was telling me to step on the scale. "You wanna know if you've lost any weight, right?". Ed knows that the number on the scale (whether up or down) will send me reeling and then if his plan works...straight into his food laden arms for comfort. Ed is very clever.

I am to learn that Ed and I are different people. Jenni suggests that once you can start hearing Ed's voice apart from your own, you must disagree and disobey Ed as often as possible. Ed is never right - even though I often think he is. He's the one that tells me I must be thin in order to have a good life. This could be the most difficult argument he and I will battle with. To some extent I still believe him here. Logically I can look around and see successful people of all shapes and sizes but emotionally, I totally believe Ed - I am nothing if I'm not thin. He's been pounding that point home to me for years.

Coincidently, I had recorded Dr. Phil (ugh, I know) Friday because I saw a preview that that show was about eating disorders. The main guest on the show's name was Jessica. In the audience, and there to help Jessica, was the author, Jenni, of the book I started reading the day before. I'm sorry - I just cannot ignore that coincidence. BIG HUGE BLINKING SIGN HERE! This book will help me! In general when I notice things like this I do not take them lightly. To me this is indication I'm heading in the right direction. Perhaps this is my intuition getting stronger.