I'm writing this thinking that since it's been so long since I've written, no one is probably paying attention now. This is good because I will be more open and honest that way. I'm having difficulties. The last few weeks have been utter chaos for me. Work has been unbelievably stressful/busy and life outside of work seems to mirror that. Just this week (Wednesday) has life started calming down a little. Amidst the chaos I lost complete control. I ate like it was my last meal every meal, every day for three weeks. I have gained weight and feel totally crappy about myself because of it. I have been to my weight watchers meetings the last two weeks so I have to give myself some credit for that. Today is the first day I feel some semblance of control - however I'm not there yet.
Since I've had some time to myself the last few days I can actually feel myself starting to slow down and "feel" something. It's a very familiar and scary feeling. It's the feeling I would get when I was sinking into depression. I am pretty sure I'm actually on the upswing, gaining control and clear perspective. This feeling though is so familiar and comforting in a totally twisted sort of way. A small part of me wants to sink into it, let myself fall into a hole of depression. I know I cannot do that, it's so hard to climb out. I can be sad, and I am. But I must fight this feeling and focus on being well. I'm trying not to feel too bad about "falling off the wagon" lately but it's so hard. Life happens - this happens. Somehow I need to learn how to cope better. Writing is one way, I guess. I should make a point of updating this more if not for any other reason than it's therapeutic for me.
I'm not sure where I'm at right now. Sadness is at the forefront and anxiety is holding it's hand. This feeling really freaks me out since I haven't felt it in a long time. Perhaps I need a reminder of it from time to time to know where I've come from, I don't know. I'll get through today and tomorrow I have yoga to help adjust my mind and spirit.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I'm here, darling. So glad to see you back writing. The Interact Center Theater is tabled until some future time. I do want you to know that you are the only one of your sisters who actually bothered to respond. That is a very caring and thoughtful person! We are experiencing some better weather now and that is always helpful when we are feeling down. You also put the brakes on the eating. Another positive. It must be frustrating and hard to keep spirits up and weight down. I'm pulling for you, dear. Love GM
WOW!! How your writing always touches me. I look forward to finding new postings. I have been following your journey from the begining.
I wanted to let you know that I admire your strength and honesty. I hope you are proud of that and realize that is such a special gift, to write and express your feelings, honestly, and clearly. I have every confidence in your ability to recognize, confront and deal with the things that you are presented with. My confidence comes from seeing how closely you are in-tune to how you feel, many many people are not.
In my opinion the biggest challenge is recognizing. So I pray that you know and believe in yourself that you have concured the hard part.....
If I may, I would suggest when things are looking darker than you'd hope..... and you have the bump in the road...first congradulate yourself for recognizing it.... and then turn to the people in your life that love and care for you.... lean on them...
Lastly....I want to thank you for sharing your journey.....your positive attitude..... diligence... determination ....and raw honesty have been a source of inspiration and promise for me personally and probably many others.....
Post a Comment